A heart grown weary,
A soul shattered by loss.
How can it be, that I still live,
And yet my son does not.

As mother Mary, “kept these things,”
I pondered in my own heart.
Did Mary know her Son would die?
As surely, I did not.

Mary cried,
for her Savior Son.
And I, for mine,
We have a mother’s heart.

Inspired by Luke 1:19, “But Mary kept all these things, and pondered them in her heart.” (KJV)

The poem above is rough, but it says much about how Mary’s situation kept me going after Joshua died by suicide. When all I wanted was to be with Joshua, I would think of Mary. I’d read every scripture written about her. I would nod. “I believe, Mary, I know how you may have felt.”

In Joshua’s journals, he mentioned more than once what a burden he was to us with his physical disability. He wrote about how he wanted the best for his parents. I’d rather have had my son be my cross to bear, than to be with empty arms.

I wish, oh, how I wish, he would have understood how we felt. Did we give mixed signals? Did the times I was worn down with caring for him show?

I thank God that Joshua left us his journals. He cleared up several issues for which we felt guilty. We thought some of the decisions we made had pushed him to his death.

No. They did not.

Joshua even wrote, “I don’t know what will happen to me when my parents are gone.”

Before his death, I pondered much in my heart, watching Joshua deteriorate. And still, I ponder. What would life be like if Joshua had lived?

I’ll leave you with a scripture. Psalm 19:14. “Let the words of my mouth, and the mediation of my heart, be acceptable in thy sight, O Lord, my strength, and my redeemer.” (KJV)

Jean Ann Williams 2011

Tags: guilt