By Patrick T. Malone —

“No one is listening to me!” This is one of the most common complaints you will hear from bereaved individuals. It occurred to me that what they are really saying is simply, “Acknowledge me.” The following excerpt from our new book, Cracking the Code to Leadership, may help you listen and acknowledge more effectively.

100% Attention

Giving someone your 100% attention means you listen carefully enough to determine the other person’s point of view. You both listen to what the person says and watch how he or she says it. You also suspend all other activity – no phone calls, no emailing, no Blackberry. You literally pay attention to every word the other person says.

Indeed, when you listen for the other person’s point of view, you automatically give him your 100% attention. Being able to maintain this high level of attention with anyone, in any mood, is the crucial skill of effective listening.

As you listen, with 100% attention, remember to:

• Be interested, not interesting.
• Suspend all activities including your own point of view for the moment.
• Stop multitasking. (Computers are truly effective at multitasking. People are not.)
• Wait until the other person is completely finished before thinking about your response.

Response

The purpose of a response acknowledgement is to prove you are listening, that you received the message, and that the message has an impact on you. Done correctly, a response acknowledgement shows a person much more than polite words ever could convey.

By your responding to the other person, you are telling him/her that he/she has some power in the conversation. The paradox here is that the more power you give away, the more you get back because the other person knows you are the source of that power.

Here is another pointer. As you respond, do not try to be impressive. Instead, demonstrate that you are impressed. Again, the more impressed you are, the more others are impressed by you.

Basically you have two kinds of response acknowledgements, non-verbal and verbal. Non verbal responses include nods, facial expression of interest or concern, steady eye contact, and hand gestures. You can use these alone or combine them with verbal acknowledgements and tone of voice to reveal your sincerity.

With verbal acknowledgements, the inflection in your voice can go up or down depending upon your response. Down acknowledgements signal that you received the message and the speaker can now change the subject or move on to another point.

Sample down inflections include: “Got it. “Thank you.” “Fine.” “OK.”

Up inflections signal you want the speaker to continue talking or expand on a particular point and that you are following the speaker’s logic path.

Up inflections include: “Oh?” “Really?” “And…” “Then?”

When you use response acknowledgement appropriately, you demonstrate to the speaker that he or she got through to you, and you eliminate any need for repetition.

People appreciate having their communications acknowledged. This is true even with email and voice mail.

Not receiving a response to a message is both frustrating and annoying. Be a good communicator and acknowledge the other person by responding to his message as soon as possible, even if only to acknowledge that you received his email or voice message.

Understanding

All too often, people attempt to acknowledge others during a conversation by saying, “I understand.” Unfortunately, this understanding statement is usually followed by another statement that proves the person really does not understand and has no idea what is the other person meant or said.

Rather than tell the other person you understand, we urge you to prove you understand. You do this simply by summarizing or “netting out” what you just heard. A few words are usually sufficient.

You can also ask related questions. You only need to let the other person know that you are there, and more importantly, that you got the point.

Here is a key point to remember: Do not provide feedback to show you are listening. Do it to prove you understand. The difference in these two intentions transmits remarkably different messages when you communicate.

Once you start proving you understand, you will soon discover that you are getting to the heart of matters faster and making quick analogies or parallels instead of delivering rote repetitions which are common feedback techniques. Being able to quickly and accurately net out complex messages and ideas is an executive caliber skill. When you cultivate that skill as your own, communicating and problem solving become so much easier.

Respect

To build rapport, you must prove and demonstrate respect for other people’s points of view, not just proclaim respect. Just telling someone, “I appreciate your position” or “I know how you feel,” is not enough. You have to prove it. How many times has someone politely told you, “I know how you feel,” and you were immediately turned off by the insincerity of the remark?

So how does acknowledging respect work? You initiate respect by being willing to communicate with another person at his level of understanding and attitude at any moment in time. You are not being condescending. In fact, showing respect for another person is an absolute must if you are to build rapport and stay in a conversation.

There is no technique or gimmick to showing respect. You already do this with people you care about. You naturally adjust your tone of voice, rate of speech and choice of words to show you are trying to imagine being where other people are at that moment. You do not have to be perfect at acknowledging respect, but you do have to show the other person that you are trying.

A note of caution: Respecting another person’s point of view does not mean you agree with that viewpoint. Agreement and respect are not synonymous.

By acknowledging another viewpoint, you are simply respecting the other person’s right to a different point of view at this moment in time. You are not throwing your point of view away; you are just putting yours on hold while you try to understand the other person’s view.

Now the good news… if your words, tone of voice and body language communicate respect for the other person’s point of view, the other three acknowledgements naturally happen. Processing the four acknowledgements while you are in conversation and trying to reach a decision can be difficult. That is why we want you to remember just one point: Respect. Do this and the other acknowledgements automatically occur.

For more information on Cracking the Code to Leadership visit

http://www.thepargroup.com/crackingCode.html

Tags: grief, hope