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On Choice and Grief by Henya Shanun-Klein, Ph.D.

Posted on September 11, 2008 - by admin

Printed with permissions and courtesy of Dr. Henya Shanun-Klein, Ph.D. When Grief drags us down, leaving us breathlessly beat at the bottom of bottoms – we are confronted with a dilemma: should we stay ‘down under’? Or should we make an effort to surface, to breathe again? Staying ‘down under’ means to, eventually, die of suicide. Question: Is that what our living or dead children want or would have wanted us to do? If the answer is “no!” then there’s only one true option: Re-learn to breathe, re-learn to live, learn to find new meaning in life. As described in […]

Remembering a Child Who Lived a Short Life

Posted on September 10, 2008 - by admin

By Jenny Hander One of the greatest tragedies in losing a baby is that you don’t get the chance to form enough memories to carry you through a lifetime of living without them. It isn’t that you forget to remember; it is that you don’t have many memories to recall. Though I think of my sweet daughter every day, there are some days I feel as though I created her in my own mind. I ask myself, “Was she ever really here?” I know that she was, but she was here such a short time and so much time has […]

Doesn’t God Listen? — Coming To Grips With The Spiritual Aspects Of Spouse Loss

Posted on September 9, 2008 - by Beverly Chantalle McManus

My prayers started the moment Steve was diagnosed with esophageal cancer: “Please God, please, send a miracle. Let him be in the 15% of those who statistically beat this cancer. God, I beg you to restore Steve to health, please heal him completely, as you have so many times in the past.” This and similar fervently issued prayers were to continue even up to the day Steve died, exactly six months later. Those of us who have lost our spouses despite prayers such as these have experienced first-hand one part of how grief and loss affects […]

For Mothers of Children Who Have Struggled with Mental Illness and Drug Addiction

Posted on September 9, 2008 - by Debra Reagan

Dearest Mothers, In the beginning, it mattered to me the hows and whys of Clint’s death. My heart and my head argued. My heart keep saying, “He can’t be gone, we still have so much love to give him.” In a strange unfair twist, this love was even greater because it was not hindered with all the stress and chaos involved with dealing with someone struggling with mental illness and drug addiction. This wasn’t fair. I became angry. I had done everything I thought was right. I had been a stay at home mom up until middle school. We were […]

Is It OK to Keep Memento of Son’s Accident?

Posted on September 9, 2008 - by Robert Neimeyer

Susan of Texas asks: My son died in a car accident, and I find comfort from holding a piece of glass from my son’s demolished car. My friend thinks this is strange. Is she right, or do other people do what I do? Dr. Bob Neimeyer responds: It sounds like your friend is not a bereaved parent. Many people find solace in maintaining contact with their loved one through cherished “linking objects,” whether these are a child’s favorite toy, a husband’s sweater, or in this case, a piece of broken glass. At the core of grief is the urge […]

9/11 and the ‘Shelf Life’ of Grief

Posted on September 9, 2008 - by Norman Fried

By Norman Fried It is a widely accepted belief that, as time passes, mourners’ responses to loss and trauma change. We understand that the physical reactions of grief, including psychomotor retardation, disorientation, fatigue, and panic seem to lessen. We know that spiritual growth and religious connections develop for some mourners as time begins to pass. And we agree that many who have suffered a loss find themselves more mobilized as time marches on, devoting their energies to fund-raising or consciousness-raising programs in honor of a loved one who died. But the question remains: Is there really a “shelf life” for […]

“I Don’t Want to Live With my Adult Children!” Our Parent’s Perspective

Posted on September 8, 2008 - by Carol O'Dell

If you’re a caregiver/son, daughter, please read this post. You need to put yourself in their shoes. But I don’t want to live with my adult children! Me neither. (And I wrote the book, Mothering Mother–and my mom lived with me the last (almost) three years of her life!) That’s my point–my mother lived on her own–with Parkinson’s and early dementia until she was 89 years old! We’ll all be in this predicament one day–if we live that long–so we need to be empathetic. My kids are grown, responsible, and we all love each other–and I still don’t relish the thought […]

Dealing With the Suicide of a Spouse

Posted on September 8, 2008 - by Abel Keogh

Larry from Virginia asks: I am angry at my wife and angry at God. My wife shot herself after receiving the news that she had been fired for a drinking problem. How do I deal with the fact that my pastor says, “God does not give more than we can endure?” Some days I feel like jumping off a bridge but I have two boys to raise. Any advice? Abel Keogh, author of the memoir, Room for Two (Cedar Fort, 2007), responds: I’m so sorry to hear about your wife’s suicide. My heart and prayers go out to […]

Did I Make A Mistake Having an Only Child?

Posted on September 5, 2008 - by Bob Baugher

Question from Anne: My mother warned me not to have an only child. I guess I should have listened to her as my son died of cancer last year. Do you think she was right and that I made a mistake? How do I live with such a big mistake? Dr. Bob Baugher responds: Thank you for your question. First off, my heart goes out to you as you cope with the death of your precious son. Grief is hard and a common grief reaction is guilt. One type of guilt is called “If-only Guilt” in which we go back […]

Poem: My Grandfather and His War Buddies Outside a Whiting Diner, Age 10

Posted on September 4, 2008 - by admin

By David Harrity W.J.H., Sr., b. January 31, 1924, d. May 1, 2000 I was old enough to remember your hands waking me-the stars just beginning to move west. But I was too young to understand. The moon found its way down the dark, the flecks sank to the horizon. Light was coming, morning stirring. I was old enough to remember your hands. Stories of your French girls and Borneo still stand fresh in my head. I know now that I was too young to understand. Tobacco burned over my shoulders, the smoke’s gray taste against my tongue. Like your […]