Grief and guilt are deeply intertwined — “what if” and “if only” haunt many grieving people. Here’s why guilt is such a common part of loss, the different forms it takes, and how to release blame you were never meant to carry.
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Delayed grief is when mourning arrives long after a loss — months or even years later, sometimes triggered by something small. Here’s why grief gets postponed, what commonly unlocks it, and why a late-arriving grief is still normal.
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Grief and depression can look alike, but they are not the same — and knowing the difference matters. Here’s how to tell grief from clinical depression, why they sometimes overlap, and when it’s time to reach out for help.
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Mother’s Day usually stirs up memories of celebrating my Mom with my brothers and sisters when we were kids- showering her with all the snuggles, handmade cards and French toast from the Betty Crocker Boys and Girls Cookbook. Nothing said I Love You like delivering fresh flowers to her (right out of her garden).🌷 This year, though, I’ve been thinking a lot about my dear new friend, Marlene, who will be navigating her first Mother’s Day since the shocking death of her beloved son, BJ. Marlene shared the heart shattering news on social media last year, “No words […]
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How many times have we heard it, or perhaps we’ve even said something like it ourselves: “Oh man, the first year after they died was hard, but I think the second year, in some ways, has been even harder.” It doesn’t seem fair, and how can it be fair that the second year of grieving can feel more challenging than the first? If and when that happens for us, it can feel rather crazy-making. Did I do something wrong? Is this normal? How can this even make sense? Good questions, and the answers to the first two are likely “no” […]
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Grieving Who We Were Before the World Changed I didn’t need another reason to mentally and emotionally struggle. It’s what I have always known, what continues for me. There is a quiet kind of grief that doesn’t always come with a clear ending. It’s the grief for the version of ourselves that existed before Covid struck, before uncertainty became the norm, and before we were reshaped by it. We not only lost loved ones, but we lost ourselves. We were quietly expected to continue, to move forward, but not everyone has been able to do that. Long-Covid is something many […]
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The last time that I saw my father, I was 7. He died when I was 28. But I truly lost him at 43 Grief. Such a complex topic—one that we do not speak about enough. Grief shows up in many situations; it is not only about the passing of a loved one. In reality, we are all faced with grief throughout our lives, often on a subconscious level. And we rush through those events without honoring them for what they truly are: rites of passage—moments that mark profound transitions and have the power to transform us completely. Running From […]
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Judgment in Grief: A Societal Reflection As a society, we must ask ourselves: have we reached a point where the level of sympathy offered to grieving families depends on the choices made by their loved ones? It is troubling to consider that families may receive varying degrees of compassion based on how their loved one passed away—whether from cancer, overdose, accident, suicide, heart attack, or murder. This raises the question: are we so critical of others that we allow our judgments to influence who is deserving of more or less sympathy? Debating Irrelevant Issues While debates about whether addiction is […]
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Navigating secondary losses “Grief does not change you, it reveals you.” John Greene When my daughter Andrea died, a part of me died. My world shattered in a moment, and I stood in the ruins, with no foundation. I did not know how to breathe and could not think of living in a world without her. Losing her was devastating, but unknown to me was that Grief was going to unravel like a ball of yarn to reveal so much more. As time passed, Grief kept showing up in unexpected ways. It wasn’t just the absence of Andrea that weighed […]
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“I’ve got nothing left.” Have you ever felt like that? If you have, you have lots of company. When someone who meant the world to you dies, it can feel like all the good in your world has died, too. It can feel like everything precious has been taken away, leaving you with empty arms and grasping hands. You can feel like there is nothing left. Well-meaning friends and family try to remind you otherwise: You still have people who love you. Maybe you still have your spouse or partner. You have your memories. Perhaps you have other kids. You […]
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The Path Through Loneliness A plethora of emotions accompany the loss of a loved one. The dark shadow of loneliness, however, tends to hover longer, seemingly with no promise of an exit date. People grappling with grief often lament, “If only I could shake this loneliness, I believe things would turn around for me.” The unfortunate truth is that, although the pain of loss diminishes over time, the deceased, on some level, will always be missed. The void created by an individual’s absence cannot be filled by another because no two people are exactly alike. The death of a hospice […]
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Pregnant After My Mother’s Death I woke up screaming, as if I’d had a nightmare, only to realize this is my new reality. Screaming, crying, breathless, heart aching so deeply, I’m not sure it will ever heal. My stomach in knots feeling like I could puke or poop myself at any moment. My mom is dead. My dad and I found her yesterday. Today is my birthday. FUCK THIS! I don’t ever want to celebrate this day again. I can’t even think about eating, my world in shambles. Oh, by the way, I’m pregnant with my first child, not even […]
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What Grief Illiteracy Has Taught Me Losing Andrea irrevocably altered my life most profoundly. Child-loss changes the course of one’s life forever. My world is a different place, and I am not the same person I was before. There’s the deep personal pain that words are unable to touch, but there’s also something else I didn’t expect: the way the world responded. Or didn’t. In the months after Andrea died, I learned that many people don’t know how to deal with Grief, especially when it’s not their own. I call it grief illiteracy: the widespread discomfort, avoidance, and misunderstanding around […]
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Communications at the Edge of Death There is an incredible story about how Tiffany got her new lungs. First, she was on the donor waiting list forever. Then one day she got a call that there were lungs available for her. After many tests and lots of preparation, Tiffany bravely went underwent surgery for her new set of lungs. Lying in her hospital bed, after her operation was over, every orifice of her ravaged body was plugged into a machine. She couldn’t move or speak, since she had a tube down her throat breathing for her. Yet Tiffany felt grateful […]
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Grief is a Teacher It had been only six weeks since my 24-year-old son was killed in a car accident. That amazing young drummer who charmed most anyone he met with his good looks and kind personality, the one with the sparkle in his eyes that hinted at a bit of mischief, the one people were drawn to by his charismatic personality, the one who never in 24 years hesitated to hug his mom in front of his friends and audibly tell her he loved her. Yeah, that one. His physical presence was now gone, and though my raw grief […]
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The rising crisis of substance-related deaths in America has left countless families grappling with complex grief and overwhelming emotions. Through the experiences of Leslie Lagos, director of the Sun Will Rise Foundation, we gain valuable insights into the journey of healing and hope after losing a loved one to substance-related causes. A Personal Journey of Loss and Recovery Leslie Lagos brings a unique perspective to grief support, having experienced both personal recovery from substance abuse and the loss of her brother, Timmy, to an overdose in 2013. Her brother’s death on Thanksgiving marked a turning point that would lead her […]
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The sudden loss of a loved one to suicide creates ripples that affect families in profound ways. In a moving conversation on the Open to Hope podcast, Vanessa Francis shares her journey of healing and transformation following the unexpected loss of her husband Rick to suicide in March 2016. An Unexpected Turn Vanessa and Rick’s love story began through a matchmaker in 1994, leading to nearly 20 years of marriage and the adoption of their daughter. Rick, described by colleagues as “jovial” with a quick wit, showed no obvious signs of depression. The morning of his death began like any […]
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A bleak midwinter silently advanced and settled in, both seasonally and in my soul. Gray, dreary January days reflected my dismal mood. Like a tomb, it was cold in the house and cold in my soul. Even the garden seemed to whimper softly as I slipped back to say hello upon my return. Dark and dormant as it had ever been, I sensed a palpable dirge in the wintry woodland, descending like a cold soft rain. Retreating inside through the well-worn back door, I was struck at the sudden realization that I was the sole inhabitant of our family home. […]
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Dr. Nancy Saltzman’s story of survival and resilience stands as a testament to the human spirit’s capacity to endure and find joy after devastating loss. As an accomplished educator and recipient of the Milken Family Foundation Award, Saltzman faced unimaginable tragedy when she lost her husband and two sons in a small plane crash in 1995. A Foundation of Purpose Saltzman credits her ability to survive such profound loss to her upbringing and professional background. Raised in a family that emphasized making a difference in others’ lives, she carried these values into her career as an educator and school principal. […]
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Halloween When I was 9 and my sister was 12, we made the bold decision to craft The Haunted House of All Ages in our 250-square-foot living room and the 10-x-3.5-foot hallway that ran down the center of our second floor flat. It would be just for our own enjoyment: for us to build, experience and deconstruct in the sweet solace of flat and of our sisterhood. And we were democratic about the whole affair: She would adorn the front room with all manner of Halloween horror for me to walk through, and I the hallway for her. So we […]
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Tools to Ease ‘Catastrophizing’ My husband and I are Digital Nomads who work remotely and travel, and for the most part, it is fun and interesting. In early grief, however, after I lost my 20-year-old son to suicide, I never thought I’d leave my home, much less travel around the world. Getting out of bed and feeding myself was a major triumph in the months after my loss. Aside from overwhelming grief, I had a sense of dread and foreboding. I was certain I’d lose my husband or another family member next. The world felt unsafe, and my home was […]
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She’s Drunk “Wait! What am I supposed to be doing now?” from my mother during a board game. “So you don’t like gumbo?” […from my mother to a relative for the 10th time in the last 30 minutes] While solemn remarks are being shared about a matriarch of our family, an unsolicited and loud, “And you used to beat me!” […an untrue statement from the side of the stage in an effort to be funny, followed by uproarious laughter from her singularly.] Leaning over to pick up a Christmas gift from under the tree, down she crashed like a fallen […]
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Finding Light in the Darkness: A Message of Hope and Healing In times of profound struggle and emotional turmoil, it’s easy to feel isolated and overwhelmed. However, Sue Frederick, a renowned spiritual guide and author, offers a powerful message of hope and reassurance for those experiencing what is often referred to as “the dark night of the soul.” She helps us in finding light in the darkness. The Dark Night of the Soul: Understanding Your Journey The concept of the “dark night of the soul” has its roots in spiritual and mystical traditions. It describes a period of intense spiritual […]
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Is Climate Grief Real? Although research on climate grief is in its infancy, researchers have begun to substantiate the impact of climate change on young people and their mental health. The U.S. government’s National Climate Assessment cited mental health concerns as a side effect of climate change, and the American Academy of Pediatrics issued a policy statement warning that climate change poses threats to “children’s mental and physical health (Pautz 2020).” Thanatologist Kriss Kevorkian has defined environmental grief as “the grief reaction stemming from the environmental loss of ecosystems by natural and man-made events (Rosenfield, 2016).” Cunsolo and Ellis define […]
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Re-imagining Hope The silent voice of trauma lies idle in the body. Years of dormancy may be followed by its unexpected impact, often on the precipice of healing. As I fought for justice in my brother’s unsolved homicide, I knew I was losing my life. Over nineteen years, that awareness never became clearer to me than the moment I learned I had breast cancer. My fight for justice, which ushered in the decline of my health, also initiated a creative approach to rise above the unresolved and touch the edge of hope. Engaging with Stress Stress can be a positive […]
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Young People Grieving Over Multiple Losses A “new normal” has invaded old paradigms and left kids missing a past world, uncertain of the present, and anxious of what tomorrow will bring. More than ever, adults must become role models, listen to their children’s pleas, understand the forces behind their behaviors, and care for their tender hearts yearning to be heard and respected. Perhaps the new normal is just an open door into the transformation of antiquated ways of being that have outgrown themselves The issues and grief techniques found in the previous edition of my book, Life and Loss, are […]
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Young People’s Grief during the Pandemic The pandemic has produced a myriad of loss issues impossible to have imagined just a few years ago. Young people cannot go to school, eat lunch in the cafeteria, play with friends, see their teachers in-person, enjoy recess, learn in a classroom, or partake in the holidays with their entire family. College students who come home for family holidays are continuously anxious about getting the virus or giving it to their parents. Sara, a college freshman explained, “I’ve had seven COVID19 tests and am doing one more before Thanksgiving. It is so stressful. I […]
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Self-Punishment During Grief A behavior that may accompany guilt is self-punishment. This often comes from the grieving person’s need to somehow “balance the scale” of life events. When we were children, we often received some form of punishment for our misbehavior. This may be one of the ways that children form their conscience. So, even as adults, when we find ourselves in a guilt-producing situation, we may feel a need to receive punishment. We might exhibit some of the following behaviors: Saying negative things to ourselves Replaying the perceived mistake(s) Depriving ourselves of something. However, some people feel the need […]
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Measuring Your Guilt During Grief After the death of a loved one, many of us feel guilt. Some amount of guilt is normal. But how much? Answer these questions in writing to better understand your own feelings of guilt. Frequency. Are feelings of guilt always present? If not, how many times per hour (or day) do I find myself experiencing guilt feelings? Intensity. When I experience guilt feelings, how intense is the reaction? Barely noticeable Mild Moderate Somewhat intense Very intense Severe/debilitating Duration. Once the guilt feelings arise, how long, on the average, do they tend to last? Disappear in a […]
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How to Deal with Guilt while Grieving If you are feeling guilt after the death of a loved one, you might try to play a small trick on your mind. Imagine that your loved one is going to visit you for 20 seconds. You will get to ask one simple question: “What do you have to say to me about the guilt that I’ve been carrying since your death?” Now, please imagine your loved one standing in front of you answering this question. Listen. What words do you hear? Write Their Response Next, take out a pen and paper and […]
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Guilt is Unique During Bereavement During bereavement, we may feel guilty. Guilt is different from shame, embarrassment, regret or anger. Here’s how: Shame is the result of an event that brings dishonor, disgrace, or condemnation. Death may bring feelings of shame mixed with guilt. For example, a woman whose husband is shot and killed by police during his commission of a burglary may feel ashamed of the way he died and guilty that she was not aware of his illegal activity. Shame is partly based upon our perception of what others think of us. Looking back on what she felt […]
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Caring for Your Spirit after a Suicide For many people, the suicide of a loved one raises agonizing spiritual or existential issues. These include many questions such as Why does suicide happen? I’ve tried to be a good person, so how could God let this happen to me? Is suicide a sin? Is my loved one in hell? What happens to a person after death? Will I ever see my loved one again? What good is my religion to me now? Who am I now? What is the purpose of my life? Why should I go on living? Suicide Challenges […]
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Feeling Guilty after a Suicide When something goes terribly wrong, human beings have a natural and powerful need to make sense of what has happened. This usually includes a need to affix blame for the bad thing that has happened. Most people, even if they are outwardly blaming someone else for the suicide, will also be privately asking themselves. “Is this my fault? Why didn’t I see this coming? Could I have done more to prevent it?” This self-blaming is very, very common after a suicide. Later on in this book, we will discuss some reasons why people tend to […]
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As you begin to take in the reality of the loss of your loved one by suicide, there are three things to remember: Take Care of Yourself Right now, you may not feel like anything matters. You have been psychologically wounded by this death, and as with any injury, you will have to focus for a while on finding ways to cope with the pain and take care of yourself. No One Cannot Do This Alone You will have to find ways of surviving that work for you. They will not necessarily be the same methods of coping used by […]
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Telling Young Children of a Suicide Parents are often understandably concerned about how the harsh fact of a suicide in the family, particularly of a parent, will affect their children. They may wonder whether telling their children–particularly young children–the truth about the death will cause more harm than good. And if they do decide to tell their children the truth, they struggle to find the words to explain what they find very hard to understand themselves – “Why did this person take their life?” It is important to know something about the developmental processes that children experience as they grow […]
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Multiple Losses Can Increase Isolation “We don’t see many people these days,” my husband commented. “I know,” I answered. “It’s because of our multiple losses.” After our twin grandchildren lost their parents in separate car crashes in 2007 we became their legal guardians and conservators — roles that required tremendous time and documentation. Then two more family members died. Grieving for four loved ones while raising grandchildren is the hardest thing we have ever done. Coming to terms with one death is hard, but coming to terms with four is much harder. According to Alan D. Wolfelt, PhD, Director of […]
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Couples often grieve differently, so how do couples navigate grief after loss? Join host Dr. Heidi Horsley, and her guests, Nate McClendon, and Lori and Raul Morales as they discuss the challenges couples can go through. Nate McClendon is a keynote speaker for The Compassionate Friends, music educator, and musician. He is the author of, The Emerging You, which was born from the loss of his 18 yr. old daughter Naomi, who died from an accidental fall from a 10-story building. Lori Morales has a Grief Counselors Certification, and presents workshops at The Compassionate Friends National Conferences. Her son Jonathan […]
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Does faith play a role in grief, and if so, what role does it play? Join host Dr. Heidi Horsley, and her guests, Nate McClendon, and Lori and Raul Morales as they discuss faith after a loss. Nate McClendon is a keynote speaker for The Compassionate Friends, music educator, and musician. He is the author of, The Emerging You, which was born from the loss of his 18 yr. old daughter Naomi, who died from an accidental fall from a 10-story building. Lori Morales has a Grief Counselors Certification, and presents workshops at The Compassionate Friends National Conferences. Her son […]
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How do you transform sorrow into strength after a death? Join host Dr. Gloria Horsley, and her co-host and daughter, Dr. Heidi Horsley along with their guests Sharon Strouse and Dr. Sarah Vollmann to talk about the role of art in healing after a death. Sharon is a bereaved parent, and licensed clinical professional art therapist. She is the Associate Director for The Portland Institute, and the author of; Artful Grief: A Diary of Healing. Sharon is also the co-founder of the Kristin Rita Strouse Foundation. Sarah is a bereaved sibling, registered board-certified art therapist, and faculty member of The […]
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How do you restore balance after a traumatic loss? Join host Dr. Gloria Horsley, and her co-host and daughter, Dr. Heidi Horsley to talk with their guest Sharon Strouse about her family’s journey beyond the trauma of loss, after the suicide of her 17 year old daughter Kristin. Sharon is a board certified and licensed clinical professional art therapist. She is the Associate Director for The Portland Institute, and the author of; Artful Grief: A Diary of Healing. Sharon is also the co-founder of The Kristin Rita Strouse Foundation.
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The impact of a death on a newborn’s world is a minimized and unacknowledged loss. Join host Dr. Gloria Horsley, and her daughter and co-host, Dr. Heidi Horsley and their guest Dr. Sarah Vollmann, whose sister died before she was born in a drowning accident. Sarah is a registered board-certified art therapist, licensed clinical social worker, and faculty member of The Portland Institute. She is the Associate Director of The Young Widowhood Project, and the Author of: Born Into Loss: Shadows of a Deceased Sibling.
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What does grief look like when the person who raised you is gone? Join host Dr. Heidi Horsley and her guests Zaneta Gileno and Kim Burditt Bartlett as they talk about grieving the death of a parent. When Zaneta Gileno was just 10 yrs. old her Dad died of a heart attack, and in 2023, her Mom died of lung issues. Zaneta has a private practice called Hope Rising Psychotherapy & Wellness. She is an adjunct professor at Columbia University, and currently serves as Senior Mental Health Advisor and Board Member for Repatriate Our Patriots. In addition, she previously worked […]
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Struggling with unresolved issues after the death of a loved one? Drs. Gloria and Heidi Horsley welcome Nancy Gershman, LCSW, to discuss coping with an obsessive-compulsive mother and finding forgiveness after her passing. Nancy created Dreamscaping therapy and Prescriptive Memories in Grief and Loss. https://media.blubrry.com/open_to_hope_1/www.opentohope.com/wp-content/uploads/2026/02/Nancy-Gershman_-Unfinished-Business-Healing-After-the-Death-of-a-Difficult-Parent.mp3Podcast: Play in new window | Download
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Struggling with change? Join Drs. Gloria and Heidi Horsley with guest Dr. Katie Eastman for practical tools on resilience and personal growth after loss. Dr. Eastman is the author of Uplifting: Inspiring Stories of Loss, Change, and Growth and co-author of Percolate: Let Your Best Self Filter Through. https://media.blubrry.com/open_to_hope_1/www.opentohope.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/07/Dr-Katie-Eastman-Transforming-Life-After-Loss.mp3Podcast: Play in new window | Download
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How does one deal with murder and parent loss? Join Dr’s Gloria and Heidi Horsley and their guest Reginald L. Reed Jr. as he recalls the events surrounding the unsolved murder of his 26-year-old mother and the indictment and trial of his father 32 years later. Learn how he has coped and thrived in spite of childhood trauma. He is the author of The Day My Mother Never Came Home. https://media.blubrry.com/open_to_hope_1/content.blubrry.com/open_to_hope_1/Reginald-L-Reed-Jr-Losing-a-Parent-and-Childhood-Trauma.mp3Podcast: Play in new window | Download
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Pak shares his journey at the Helping Parents Heal conference. Helping Parents Heal is a non-profit organization dedicated to assisting parents whose children have passed. https://media.blubrry.com/open_to_hope_1/content.blubrry.com/open_to_hope_1/James-Pak-Honoring-Wes.mp3Podcast: Play in new window | Download
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Alison Magllon shares her journey at the Helping Parents Heal conference. Helping Parents Heal is a non-profit organization dedicated to assisting parents whose children have passed. https://media.blubrry.com/open_to_hope_1/content.blubrry.com/open_to_hope_1/Alison-Magllon-Finding-Hope-After-Loss.mp3Podcast: Play in new window | Download
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Jess Baca shares her journey at the Helping Parents Heal conference. Helping Parents Heal is a non-profit organization dedicated to assisting parents whose children have passed. https://media.blubrry.com/open_to_hope_1/content.blubrry.com/open_to_hope_1/Jess-Baca-Rubber-Duck-Army.mp3Podcast: Play in new window | Download
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Grieving Wholeheartedly, by Dr. Audrey Davidheiser
After Suicide Loss: Coping with Your Grief by Bob Baugher and Jack Jordan is available on Amazon.
Open to Hope is an online community offering inspirational stories of loss, hope and recovery. We believe hope is the bridge between loss and recovery.
