James writes in: I just ran into this site tonight as I am still grieving deeply of my son James who died in an ATV accident on July 26, 2009. I am a physician and have seen a lot of death and many corpses and have signed hundreds of death certificates but I just cannot get the vision of my dead son out of my head and find myself overwhelmed with grief on a daily basis. My son was incredibly intelligent and going to college and also working with me part time in my practice and living with me. He was only 21 and I was a single parent raising him and his sister who is two years older. The three of us were quite close and since his passing, I feel so lost. James and I and his sister, Tina, started a nonprofit group in January of ‘08 and we went to Belize together on a medical mission and he went with friends in the summer of ‘08 to take supplies down. We were planning to go back this winter for a month or so and planning a trip to Cambodia as well. Now it seems hard to get motivated but I am trying hard to keep the plans.
It has only been two months and maybe this is normal for such difficulty coping. Tina is also having a terrible time as well. She is now 24 and runs my office. I have a very unique practice and travel a lot doing procedures and Tina just runs the business end of the practice. We are both finding it difficult to keep going each day. We are planning to scatter his ashes in Belize as he loved it there and this was his wish. We were also building a shop and home together on a small farm in Colorado where we live. I only work in the practice about two days a week and this gave us a lot of time to be together outside of work as well. We are building a totally off the grid home and grew a big garden together. Now my right hand man, loving son, best friend, and intellectual buddy is gone. He was part of my life every day and all day. Even when he was off to college in another city, we spoke every day at least once a day. So, much of my life along with many plans for the future passed with his passing. I find myself crying between procedures as he was even one of my assistants on the road. I have been told by many, including colleagues, that it gets better but it has seeminly gotten worse over the last few weeks. Maybe that is the stages of grieving but I have a hard time thinking now that it will get better.
I lost my mother when I was nine and this seems so much harder to cope with as we are not to be preceded in death by our children. Hopes and dreams and plans for the future just seem to vanish and thus the motivation that they give you. We too are planning a memory garden for James at the farm. At his death, his step brother bought an eight foot wooden cross and this will be there.
I have a fairly deep faith in Christ and since his passing, praying seems to help some and there is always the hope that I will once again be reunited with my loving son upon my death. Having a faith does certainly help one from going too deeply into a depression. I pray every day and now that I have read this site, I will include you that I have read in my prayers.
Dr. Gloria Horsley responds: Dear James,
Nothing prepares us as parents for the death of a child – not even dealing with death on a daily basis as you have done as a physician. It sounds like James was a wonderful son and human being and we are so very sorry for your loss.
Your grief is still so fresh and so raw – two months is a very short time to recover from a loss so great – and we encourage you to be gentle with yourself and with your daughter. If there is a “normal” for grief and “the difficult coping” you are in the midst of it. Grief is individual and knows no time lines. Get extra rest, try to eat well, get out in the fresh air and sunshine. Grieving takes tremendous energy and you need all the help you can get.
It may be helpful for you to become a part of a grief group when you are able. Your local church may have one or hospice. We often recommend a group called The Compassionate Friends (http://www.compassionatefriends.org) This group is composed of those who have lost a child (parents, grandparents, siblings) and understand how to give you and your daughter the support you need. You might visit their website to see if there is a group in your area. We have found that the burden of grief is lighter if you don’t have to carry it alone.
You might find help and comfort in some of our archived radio shows and videos on YouTube. Those we recommend specifically for you are:
April 5, 2007
Men and Grief
Guest: David Pellegrin
March 15, 2007
Real Men Do Cry
July 30, 2009
Understanding life after loss
1st Guest: Kimberly Rose Carolan
2nd Guests: Fern Stewart Welch and Rose Winters
Tom Zuba Presents a Blessed Life, Part one of 6
There will come a time when, even though the pain continues, the suffering will stop. This is what I have learned in the many years since my 17 year old son was killed in a fiery car crash. Even though your life is permanently changed because of your son’s death, you will establish a “new normal.” We have found that serving others, as upi and your daughter do, often brings peace and healing to those who are grieving. Stand fast in your faith.
We wish you well on this healing path.
Dr. Gloria HorsleyTags: grief, hope