By Stephanie Frogge —

Some years ago, what began as date night for my boyfriend and me with a rented copy of “Random Hearts” ended with an unexpected discussion of the nature of grief and expressions of mourning. The movie and our subsequent reactions to it helped frame my understanding of what constitutes  normal  grief reaction.

“Random Hearts” (1999) stars Harrison Ford and Kristin Scott Thomas as strangers who become acquainted when their respective spouses are killed in a plane crash. As the story unfolds, we begin to suspect that Dutch Van Den Broeck (Ford), a detective with the Washington, DC Metropolitan Police Department, and Congresswoman Kay Chandler (Thomas) are emotionally detached, not as a result of their high-power jobs, but rather that they’ve found positions that allow them to engage in the world intellectually rather than emotionally.

Stunned by the death of his wife, Van Den Broeck begins to reexamine their marriage and uncovers mounting evidence that suggests she was in a relationship with Chandler’s husband and that the two were traveling together when they were killed.

In one memorable scene, the now spouseless characters are inside Van Den Broeck’s car. He has convinced Chandler to come with him to look at some evidence, and they both come to the realization that their suspicions are true and that everything they believed about their lives and their marriages have been called into question. They look at one another and suddenly their grief explodes into something else and they begin to kiss passionately.

It’s a very sexy scene and I looked over to my boyfriend to gauge his reaction. The room was suitably dark for movie-watching and I couldn’t see his face but I heard these words:

“I don’t get it.”

Ah well, so much for romance. Although my boyfriend couldn’t quite understand why two people who didn’t even seem to like each other much were suddenly groping one another in a car like teenagers, it illustrated for me a phenomena that I often see in my work with survivors of homicide. Risky, out-of-character behavior can serve as a way to counter the shock and pain of a terrible loss and by its very intensity, serves as a reminder that there are other sensations and experiences besides the seemingly endless pain.

Although the grief literature contains little insight into the role of sexual behavior following the death of a loved one, anecdotally I believe that it’s relatively common. Passion may be one of the few emotions that can be as intense as grief and may even provide a temporary respite.

Dr. Jennie Barr agrees. A licensed marriage and family therapist in Austin, Texas, specializing in trauma, she believes that such behavior can indicate one of two things. Risky, self-destructive behavior may be an expression of grief that questions the person’s desire to go on without the loved one. But it can also be an antidote for numbness and pain because you feel something that is life affirming. Through the behavior the person is saying, “I need to feel again.”

“Random Hearts” is not a movie about grief per se, but it illustrates the reality that coping with grief is as individual as the person experiencing it. For some, that may include behaviors that would otherwise be considered out-of-character but that are dramatic and life-affirming.

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Stephanie Frogge

Stephanie Frogge is a professional crime victim services consultant working with programs that assist victims of crime, the bereaved, and address social justice issues. She provides customized training, program development and technical assistance in all facets of trauma reaction and helping responses. Stephanie has over twenty-five years’ experience in the area of trauma response, victim services administration, victim assistance and activism, writing and speaking extensively on victim assistance, grief and trauma issues. She is the former National Director of Victim Services for Mothers Against Drunk Driving’s National office overseeing MADD’s internationally recognized victim services programs. She also served two years as the Director of Peer Support Services for TAPS – Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors, a Washington, DC-based national organization serving those whose loved ones have died while serving in the military. Stephanie holds a bachelor’s degree in Criminal Justice from Texas Christian University and a master’s in Theological Studies from Brite Divinity School. She is also a lecturer in the College of Criminal Justice at Sam Houston State University in Huntsville, Texas. Stephanie appeared on the radio show “Healing the Grieving Heart” with Dr. Gloria & Dr. Heidi Horsley to discuss “Recovering From a Traumatic Event.” To hear Stephanie being interviewed on this show, go to the following link: https://www.voiceamerica.com/episode/33572/recovering-from-a-traumatic-event Stephanie Frogge, MTS, is the assistant director of the Institute for Restorative Justice & Restorative Dialogue at The University of Texas at Austin. Among other projects she assists with campus implementation of Restorative Discipline throughout Texas. She has over thirty years’ experience in the area of sudden death, trauma response, victim services administration, victim assistance and restorative justice, writing and speaking extensively on victim assistance and trauma issues. She is the former National Director of Victim Services at Mothers Against Drunk Driving’s National office overseeing MADD’s internationally recognized victim services programs. She holds a bachelor’s degree in Criminal Justice from Texas Christian University and a masters in Theological Studies from Brite Divinity School. She has taught at Sam Houston State University in Huntsville, Texas, The University of Texas at Austin, St. Edwards University in Austin, Texas, and Southern Methodist University, in Dallas, Texas, on juvenile delinquency and juvenile justice, victimology, and restorative justice. She is also a trained mediator. In her non-work hours she hunts down new restaurants, old thrift stores and creates and sells yard art.

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