One of the most painful surprises of bereavement is what happens to a marriage when both partners are grieving the same loss. You would think shared grief would draw you closer. Often, it pulls you apart.
You cry; they shut down. You want to talk about it; they want to change the subject. You want intimacy; they cannot bear to be touched. You want to keep the bedroom exactly as it was; they need to redecorate immediately. You are running into each other like two boats in a fog, and the love you share starts to feel like one more thing being lost.
If this is happening to you, please know: it is one of the most common patterns in bereavement, and it does not mean your marriage is broken.
For more than two decades, my mother, Dr. Gloria Horsley, and I have walked alongside thousands of bereaved couples through Open to Hope. After my brother Scott died at 17, I watched my own parents grieve very differently — and stay married for sixty years. Here is what I have learned.
Why Couples Grieve Differently
The American Psychological Association and bereavement researchers Margaret Stroebe and Henk Schut have documented a “dual process model” of grief: most people oscillate between loss-oriented coping (feeling the grief, talking about it, focusing on the deceased) and restoration-oriented coping (focusing on new tasks, returning to life, building forward).
The painful reality is that couples often land at opposite ends of this spectrum. One partner is in loss-oriented mode while the other is in restoration mode. Neither is wrong. But the mismatch can feel like rejection, abandonment, or betrayal.
Other common grief style mismatches:
- One partner expresses through tears; the other through silence
- One needs to talk about the loss; the other needs to take a break from it
- One wants to memorialize publicly; the other wants privacy
- One copes through activity (work, exercise, projects); the other through stillness
- One processes through community; the other through solitude
None of these styles is healthier than the other. They are different doors into the same room.
8 Ways to Navigate Grief in Marriage
1. Name the Mismatch Out Loud
The single most healing thing you can do is name what is happening. “I notice we grieve differently. I want to cry; you want to fix. Can we make room for both?” The naming itself shifts the dynamic from quiet resentment to shared challenge.
2. Stop Trying to Convert Each Other
Many bereaved couples spend months trying to convince each other to grieve “correctly.” It almost never works. Releasing the project of converting your spouse — and instead simply letting them grieve in their own style — protects the marriage. (For more on differing grief styles, see How Grief Becomes Your Greatest Superpower.)
3. Find Outlets for the Grief Your Partner Cannot Hold
If your spouse cannot hold space for your full grief, you will need other outlets — a grief group, a therapist, a sibling, a close friend, the Open to Hope podcast community. This is not a failure of the marriage. It is the recognition that one person cannot meet all of your grief needs.
4. Honor the Quiet Spouse
Many couples mistake a partner’s silence for indifference. It almost never is. The quiet partner is often grieving every bit as much — they just process internally. Asking “How are you, really?” without expecting elaborate answers can keep the connection alive even when words are scarce.
5. Make Decisions Slowly
Bereaved couples often face a flurry of major decisions in the first year — the house, possessions, finances, future plans. Decide as little as possible in the first year. Postpone what you can. Both of your judgments are temporarily impaired by grief. (See Coping With the Sudden Death of a Spouse for more on this principle in another loss context.)
6. Be Honest About Intimacy
Sex and physical intimacy almost always shift after a major shared loss. One partner may want more; the other may want none. Discuss it gently. Honor each other’s pace. Many bereaved couples experience a long stretch of low intimacy followed by a quiet renewal — sometimes deeper than what existed before.
7. Mark Important Dates Together
Birthdays, death anniversaries, holidays — these are the dates that test bereaved marriages most. Plan them together in advance, with explicit conversation about what each of you needs. Some couples build new rituals. Some take separate space. Both can work. (See The First Anniversary of Death: What to Expect and How to Cope.)
8. Consider Couples Therapy
If the grief mismatch is straining the marriage to the breaking point, a bereavement-informed couples therapist can be transformative. The Hospice Foundation of America maintains a clinician directory; the Association for Death Education and Counseling does too. Couples therapy in grief is not a sign of failure. It is a sign that you are taking the marriage seriously enough to invest in it. (See When Should You See a Grief Therapist? for more.)
A Word About Bereaved Parents
Bereaved parents face one of the hardest tests a marriage can encounter. Research has long debunked the myth that “most marriages end after the loss of a child” — most do not — but the strain is real. Mothers and fathers often grieve in starkly different rhythms, and the mismatch can be unbearable.
If you are bereaved parents reading this, please be especially gentle with each other and with the marriage. Many bereaved couples describe a turning point in year two or three, when shared grief begins to draw them back together. Hold on through the lonely middle. (See Loss of a Child: A Pain Like No Other.)
A Word for Couples Where One Partner Was Closer to the Deceased
Sometimes the loss is “yours” more than your partner’s — your sibling, your parent, your best friend. Your partner is grieving secondarily, with you, not directly. The asymmetry can be painful for both of you. Speak about it openly. Allow your partner to grieve their own losses (your changed self, the disruption to your shared life) alongside grieving with you.
A Word for Couples Considering Separation
Some bereaved marriages do not survive. If yours is one of them, please know that the failure is rarely about a lack of love. It is often about two grieving people who could not find a way back to each other through the fog. Counseling, separate spaces, and time may still help. So may, eventually, separating with kindness.
If your marriage is at a breaking point, please reach out to a bereavement-informed couples therapist before making any irreversible decision.
Hope on the Other Side of This Mismatch
Most bereaved marriages survive. The ones that do are often deeper afterward than they were before. You will have grieved together, beside each other, in different rhythms but in the same room. The love that holds across that distance is one of the strongest forms of love a marriage can know.
We are with you. The Open to Hope community is with you. And on the other side of this strain, the marriage you are protecting is worth protecting.
Dr. Heidi Horsley is a licensed psychologist, adjunct professor at Columbia University, and co-host of the Open to Hope podcast. After losing her 17-year-old brother Scott in a car accident, she has dedicated her career to helping bereaved families find hope after loss.
