I have to be honest with everyone.   I have been struggling all week knowing that Sunday was going to be here.   Sunday is usually a great day.   People everywhere sleep in, attend religious services, or better yet have a big breakfast with the family and lounge around till noon.   But this Sunday has a whole new meaning for me.   This Sunday (February 22nd) is my Dad’s birthday.

Everyone who has experienced the pain and devastation of losing a loved one knows that besides all major holidays there are two dates that always jump out at you on the calendar every year.   Those two dates are the day your loved one passed away and their birthday.   Every year it’s supposed to get easier right?   Yes and no.   It gets easier because time has passed on, and you really have one choice and that is to accept the passage of time and try to make the best of it.   It is also a time of reflection to honor all the special things that make a birthday so meaningful between loved ones.

My Dad quite honestly was a pain in the butt about his birthday.   He never wanted any gifts.   His typical parent response when he was asked what he wanted for his birthday was, “Nothing.”   So one year I got him just that.   It was his birthday in 2005 when he turned 57.   Little did I know, that very next year he fell one month short of turning 58.   My Dad for all the good things about him never, ever made a big deal about his birthday, not once.   It almost seemed like an annoyance to him that he had to celebrate it, but celebrate we did.   He loved that “bumpy” devils food cake every year, and every year we tried to have that cake on his birthday.   When he died in January 2006 his birthday was just 3 weeks later and we had bumpy cake that day too.   Do you know that was the only time on his birthday I had a piece of bumpy cake?   I do not like chocolate cake, but on that day it seemed fitting that I get over it and have a piece of cake for Dad.   Three things to honor that special persson in your life who has passed on, on their birthday.

1. Don’t change tradition-If you always went out to a particular restaurant or got your loved ones socks for their birthday, don’t change it.   Traditions have a way of comforting us in times of potentially stressful moments in our lives.   We ate bumpy cake.   It is a great way to honor your loved one and reflect on the impact they have made in your life.

2. Don’t treat it as just another day-It’s not and don’t pretend that it is.   My Dad always said his birthday, “was just another day.”   I never believed him.  Frankly I don’t believe anybody when they say that.   Your birthday is YOUR day.   Celebrate it.   You never know if you are going to have another one.

3. Establish a new tradition-Hanging on to the old traditions of birthdays past is just as important as establishing a new one on this day.   For instance a new tradition I have established is I will talk to my Dad’s picture for as long as it takes on his birthday.   I have extended that tradition to every day on the 22nd of every month to let him know what’s up and going on with my life.   Sounds corny, but hey it works for me.

As for what I am going to be doing tomorrow, that is quite obvious I am going to be celebrating a birthday.   But it is not the birthday you think.   My fiance’s birthday is tomorrow as well.   Yes, my Dad and fiance were born on the exact same day.   How is that for irony?   Last year was the first year that we celebrated her birthday together and I wrote in her card, “Thanks for making February 22nd a day to celebrate again.”   What a new tradition!  We are going to spending all day with family and friends, just as my Dad would have wanted on his birthday.

Celebrate not only tomorrow but every day, and remember and honor that birthday in your life of that special someone who has passed on.

Always a friend to listen,

Eric Tomei

Tags: grief, hope