Laura writes in: My father just died and my mother, a new widow, is getting lots of well-meaning invitations to lunches, dinners, etc. She is the type of person to worry more about other people than herself but the invitations are too much. I am trying to help her find the words to politely decline and guide people to ‘back off’. How do you politely decline social invitations when you’re just not ready to be around people after you become a widow?

Dear Laura,

What a compassionate daughter you are that in the midst of your own grief you are connecting with your mom on both an emotional and practical level.  It’s often hard to “find the words” to get our needs met during an incredibly difficult time and I congratulate both of you for thinking about this proactively so that your mom has some tools for addressing these situations as they arise.

I think your description of her wishes is just the template you need.  You say that your mom just isn’t “ready to be around people” and that may be a way to say it.  But in addition to declining the invitation, help your mom to find ways to say what WOULD be helpful whether it’s a phone call in the few days, being prayed for, or a quiet one-on-one visit.  I know these invitations are motivated by a genuine desire to be of assistance so encourage you mother to articulate what would be helpful.  As your mother is a apparently a caregiver herself that’s a gift she can give to other people – clear direction about what they can give to her.  Perhaps something like, “Thank you so much for thinking of me but I’m just not quite ready to do lunches with friends.  But it does help when you call me every now and then to see how I’m doing.  Please do call me again in a few days as it means so much to me to hear from you.”

Blessings,

Stephanie

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Stephanie Frogge

Stephanie Frogge is a professional crime victim services consultant working with programs that assist victims of crime, the bereaved, and address social justice issues. She provides customized training, program development and technical assistance in all facets of trauma reaction and helping responses. Stephanie has over twenty-five years’ experience in the area of trauma response, victim services administration, victim assistance and activism, writing and speaking extensively on victim assistance, grief and trauma issues. She is the former National Director of Victim Services for Mothers Against Drunk Driving’s National office overseeing MADD’s internationally recognized victim services programs. She also served two years as the Director of Peer Support Services for TAPS – Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors, a Washington, DC-based national organization serving those whose loved ones have died while serving in the military. Stephanie holds a bachelor’s degree in Criminal Justice from Texas Christian University and a master’s in Theological Studies from Brite Divinity School. She is also a lecturer in the College of Criminal Justice at Sam Houston State University in Huntsville, Texas. Stephanie appeared on the radio show “Healing the Grieving Heart” with Dr. Gloria & Dr. Heidi Horsley to discuss “Recovering From a Traumatic Event.” To hear Stephanie being interviewed on this show, go to the following link: https://www.voiceamerica.com/episode/33572/recovering-from-a-traumatic-event Stephanie Frogge, MTS, is the assistant director of the Institute for Restorative Justice & Restorative Dialogue at The University of Texas at Austin. Among other projects she assists with campus implementation of Restorative Discipline throughout Texas. She has over thirty years’ experience in the area of sudden death, trauma response, victim services administration, victim assistance and restorative justice, writing and speaking extensively on victim assistance and trauma issues. She is the former National Director of Victim Services at Mothers Against Drunk Driving’s National office overseeing MADD’s internationally recognized victim services programs. She holds a bachelor’s degree in Criminal Justice from Texas Christian University and a masters in Theological Studies from Brite Divinity School. She has taught at Sam Houston State University in Huntsville, Texas, The University of Texas at Austin, St. Edwards University in Austin, Texas, and Southern Methodist University, in Dallas, Texas, on juvenile delinquency and juvenile justice, victimology, and restorative justice. She is also a trained mediator. In her non-work hours she hunts down new restaurants, old thrift stores and creates and sells yard art.

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