A Message for Mother’s Day: After Mother Has Died

Illumination quote card by Laurel D. Rund

Yesterday I received a text message saying, “I’m sorry I couldn’t call you back. I had a rough night.”

I wasn’t keeping track and couldn’t readily remember what I’d called to say in the first place, so I asked if she was O.K. She responded telling me that a young friend had received a cancer diagnosis and the prognosis wasn’t good. She’d been up all night thinking about life and mortality. She closed her message with, “Life is short. I’m sure you learned that after your mom died.”

People say things like that all the time, and it never bothers me but it does prompt me. I had to check in for a minute and ask, “Is that what I learned?” Several moments flashed in my mind when life feels long. If I try to run quickly for several minutes in a row. Those single days when I texted boys I was crushing on and waited to hear back. Boarding a plane and wanting to jump ahead to my destination. A 15-degree day on the slushy streets of Boston. When my UBER approximate time jumps from three minutes to eight minutes.

In some ways without my mom, I feel life is long because she’s not here for all the important moments. The new life I created after everything changed looks and feels a lot different than what I had imagined as a child lying awake at night on my white trundle bed.

Believing that life is short sounds dangerous to me for a few reasons.

On one side of the coin, we spend our time dwelling on how it will all end one day–unable to focus on the minute we’re currently experiencing. I could be sitting across from an amazing person, eating delicious food, and drinking beautiful wine thinking my life is practically over, and that I only have a few more good decades left in me. And by that very thought, I end my life prematurely while I long for more presence despite actually being present.

The other side of the coin might take “life is short” to mean, “Let’s blow up this life and carpe  as much fuckin diem as possible.” Then you may end up with constant instability, stress, and worry. Life is meant to be enjoyed even when it doesn’t end up just the way we dreamed it.

In answer to my friend’s text message, I wrote, “The lesson I learned is that time is precious, and the moments of my life should be spent carefully, with as little wallowing as possible.”

My mention of wallow inspired her to ask the question, “What’s your plan for this Sunday?” This Sunday is also known as Mother’s Day.

I told her that I am celebrating with my family and the mother figures who have entered my life since my mom died. I don’t turn it into a holiday of resentment and anger because the moments of my life are precious and that’s not how I want to spend them. I may even go see Mother’s Day because Gary Marshall is my second favorite Marshall.

Lauren Muscarella

Lauren Muscarella

More Articles Written by Lauren

Lauren started the blog Mama Quest in May 2010 to share stories of her journey through loss after losing her mother in 2006 at age 20. The blog also serves as an outlet to pass on the wisdom she received from her mother, who died of breast cancer at 52. After an overwhelmingly positive response to the blog, she launched Trauma to Art, a movement to support and facilitate creative expression from those who have experienced loss. Now Lauren works to build the Trauma to Art community while writing a book of creative arts therapy activities for confronting grief as well as preserving the memory of lost loved ones. In her spare time, Lauren enjoys volunteering, traveling, wine tasting, and learning to speak French.


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  • Veena says:

    i lost my mom 2 months back. she was literally my backbone although i did not realise it when she was alive. I wanted to spend important moments of my life with her. now i am totally lonely and cut off from world. i also dont want to talk laugh or do anything. comtemplating ending my life and then i think when she did all her duties before she died and if i idolise her then i should also do my duties before i die. this is the only thing that keeps me alive else i am like a living dead.

    • Veena, I know this sentiment may not carry much meaning or make you feel much better but I absolutely experienced the same thing. I was a walking zombie for about a year or so after my mother died. I know it may not seem like it, but using time in the right way where you feel your feelings, which is what you are doing, is getting you closer to feeling better. Please email me and I’m happy to help you find resources: [email protected]. Much love, Lauren

  • Kunal says:

    My soul, my strength, my cover of love and hope, my beloved mother left a week ago. It seems so unreal! A moment she was there and now just an empty house. No amount of prayers or medication was able to save her. Life sure is unfair!!

  • Val says:

    I lost my Mom on November 26th 2018. I was so blessed to have had her so long. She was 82 years when she passed, however it was unexpected, even though she was older. I guess if she had lived to 150 years, it would have been too soon for me.

    I was her caretaker for many years. Gosh she was beautiful, funny and smart! She was one hell of a woman. I miss her with all of my heart and soul. That’s been almost 6 months now. I somehow feel her in my heart still. Wow, even though she was older and more frail, she was my rock, I drew so much strength from her, I realize it more and more each day. She was my biggest cheerleader, always believed I was a lot smarter and special than I probably really am. 🙂 No one loves you like your Mother. I do hope I will see her again one day, I pray that’s the way it works. Mom, I love you MORE!