I tried to run away from you. I did. I thought that if I ran fast, I would be able to escape the pain I feel over losing you.
It worked for a little while. Maybe a month or two. But how can you run away from this kind of love, from this kind of longing? I realize now that it doesn’t work to run away from you and deny that you were and still are such a huge part of my life. It only causes more pain.
So I need to embrace my loss and, yes, even embrace the pain. Doing that embraces you. Never do I want to forget that you lived, you were my life. Never do I want to forget your eyes, your voice, your laughter, your compassion for people and animals.
Never do I want to erase the 23 years that I was blessed to have you and share in your life, to be your mother. No never do I want to run away or deny the essence of you.
By running away from the pain or denying my grief means, I would also have to deny the joy and beauty of having had you in my life. So I will embrace all of it — the grief and the pain — because they go hand-in-hand with the joys and the beauty of sharing my life with you, even though it was ever so brief.
I will love you always even over space and time my child. No, never will I forget.
Louise Lagerman 2011Tags: Depression, signs and connections