I tried to run away from you. I did. I thought that if I ran fast, I would be able to escape the pain I feel over losing you.

It worked for a little while. Maybe a month or two. But how can you run away from this kind of love, from this kind of longing? I realize now that it doesn’t work to run away from you and deny that you were and still are such a huge part of my life. It only causes more pain.

So I need to embrace my loss and, yes, even embrace the pain. Doing that embraces you. Never do I want to forget that you lived, you were my life. Never do I want to forget your eyes, your voice, your laughter, your compassion for people and animals.

Never do I want to erase the 23 years that I was blessed to have you and share in your life, to be your mother. No never do I want to run away or deny the essence of you. 

By running away from the pain or denying my grief means, I would also have to deny the joy and beauty of having had  you in my life. So I will embrace all of it — the grief and the pain — because they go hand-in-hand with the joys and the beauty of sharing my life with you, even though it was ever so brief.

I will love you always even over space and time my child. No, never will I forget.

Louise Lagerman 2011

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Louise Lagerman

Louise Lagerman

Louise is a mother to three: two sons, Eric and James, and her daughter Keren, who died in 2006 at the age of 23. Louise has worked in health care for many years in the geriatric field. She lives with her husband Steven outside of Houston, Texas. A year ago, she created and opened up Grief Support website and message board with friend and fellow bereaved mother Gladis Alcorta. Grief support now has over 500 members who share and depend on each other for support. Her favorite quote is by Jason Reeves, In my own way I take you everywhere I go and it feels like Home.

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