When a death happens in a family, one of the most agonizing questions parents and grandparents ask is: how do I talk to the children?

There is rarely any cultural script for this conversation. Most of us were not modeled it as kids — we were told euphemisms (“Grandma went to sleep”), kept from funerals, or sent to a relative’s house for the week. Then we grew up, became parents ourselves, and now face a moment we were never prepared for.

Please know: there is a way to do this well. The wider research on bereaved children has converged on a few core principles, and they are surprisingly simple. Honesty, age-appropriate language, repeated conversation, inclusion in rituals, and consistent presence — these are the foundations.

For more than two decades, my mother, Dr. Gloria Horsley, and I have walked alongside thousands of bereaved families through Open to Hope. Helping children grieve has been one of the most rewarding parts of our work. Here is what I have learned.

Core Principles for Talking to Children About Death

The American Academy of Pediatrics and grief specialists like Alan Wolfelt of the Center for Loss & Life Transition have established several core principles that apply across ages:

• Use clear, simple, accurate language (“died,” not “passed away” or “lost”)
• Avoid euphemisms (especially “went to sleep” — children may fear sleep)
• Answer the question they actually asked — not the one you anticipated
• Repeat the conversation many times; children process in layers
• Include them in funerals and rituals when they want to be
• Let them see your grief — it normalizes theirs

Age-by-Age Guide

Ages 0-2: Sensing Without Understanding

Babies and toddlers cannot yet understand death cognitively, but they absolutely feel the emotional shifts in their household. They may be clingier, more wakeful, more fussy. Maintain routines as much as possible. Hold them. Let them see your face be calm even when your heart is breaking. Their grief is processed through touch, smell, and the felt safety of caregivers.

Ages 2-4: Magical Thinking and Repeated Questions

Preschoolers do not yet understand the permanence of death. They will ask “When is Grandpa coming back?” weeks after the funeral. They may believe their own thoughts caused the death (“I was mad at Daddy and now he’s gone”). They will ask the same questions over and over.

Be gentle, honest, and ready to repeat. Use clear language: “Grandpa died. His body stopped working. He cannot come back.” Reassure them that they did not cause it. Maintain routines. Allow them to see your sadness.

Ages 5-7: Concrete Thinking and Curiosity

Early elementary children begin to grasp death’s permanence but often think very literally. They may ask graphic questions (“What did the body look like?” “How does cremation work?”). Answer honestly with age-appropriate detail.

Children at this age often worry about who will take care of them now. Reassure them concretely. They also benefit from being included in rituals — viewings, funerals, memorial services — if they want to attend. (See How to Help a Grieving Friend for relevant principles.)

Ages 8-11: Understanding and Fear

Older elementary children fully understand that death is permanent and that it can happen to anyone — including themselves and their loved ones. This often produces anxiety: fear of their own death, fear of their parents’ death, separation anxiety, somatic complaints.

Take their fears seriously. Provide reassurance without dismissing the fear (“It is true that everyone dies. Most people live a long time. I am not planning to die soon.”). Allow them to ask hard questions. Tell the truth.

Ages 12-14: Existential Questions and Withdrawal

Early adolescents often process grief through withdrawal, irritability, and identity-shaking existential questions. They may seem fine in public and devastated in private. They may reject adult comfort and turn to peers.

Stay near without crowding. Make room for conversations on their schedule, not yours. Long car rides are gold — eyes-forward, low-pressure, side-by-side. Most teens will talk if you make space for it without demanding it.

Ages 15-18: Adult-Level Understanding, Variable Coping

Older teens grieve much like adults but with less emotional regulation experience. Substance use, risky behavior, withdrawal, academic decline, or seeming-too-fine functioning are all common. They may grieve in concentrated bursts rather than steady streams.

Treat them as junior adults in conversations about the loss. Include them in decisions when appropriate. Watch for signs of trouble. Connect them with a grief therapist or group if needed. (See When Should You See a Grief Therapist?.)

What to Say in the First Conversation

Many parents freeze in the first conversation. A simple template that works across most ages:

“I have very sad news. [Person] died. Their body stopped working. I love them very much, and I am very sad. I love you. I am here. You can ask me any questions you have, now or any time.”

That’s it. You do not need to explain the why. You do not need to predict the future. You just need to be honest, calm, and present.

What to Avoid

A few things research consistently shows hurt grieving children:

• “Went to sleep” — can produce sleep terrors
• “Lost” — can confuse young children
• “In a better place” — can produce confusion or resentment
• “Be strong for Mommy” — burdens children with adult emotional regulation
• Forced funeral attendance OR forbidden funeral attendance — give them choice

Including Children in Funerals and Rituals

The research is consistent: children who are given the choice (and meaningful preparation) to attend funerals and rituals usually do well. Prepare them with concrete information: what they will see, who will be there, what will happen, how long it will last, who they can sit with.

If they decline, honor that. If they attend and want to leave early, honor that. Their participation is not a measure of their love. It is a measure of their current capacity. (See Hospice Foundation of America for specific funeral guidance for children.)

Watching for Trouble

Most bereaved children grieve normally and integrate the loss with time and support. Signs that a child may benefit from professional grief support include:

• Persistent academic decline beyond a few months
• New physical complaints (headaches, stomachaches) that don’t resolve
• Sleep disturbance that persists
• Withdrawal from friends and previously loved activities
• Talk of self-harm or wanting to die
• Significant regression (bedwetting, baby talk, separation anxiety)

If any of these arise, please reach out to a grief-informed child therapist. Many children’s hospitals run free bereavement programs.

A Word for Bereaved Parents Raising Grieving Children

If you are grieving and parenting grieving children at the same time, please know: you are doing one of the hardest jobs there is. You are allowed to cry in front of them. You are allowed to say “I am sad today.” Modeling grief that is honest and survivable is one of the most powerful things you can give them. They will learn how to grieve future losses by watching you grieve this one.

Hope on the Other Side

Children who are talked to honestly about death, included in family grief, and supported with patient repetition tend to integrate loss well over time. They do not “get over” the person who died. They carry them forward into the adults they become. Their grief becomes part of their capacity for love.

We are with you. The Open to Hope community is with you. And the children you are protecting are stronger and more resilient than you may realize.

Dr. Heidi Horsley is a licensed psychologist, adjunct professor at Columbia University, and co-host of the Open to Hope podcast. After losing her 17-year-old brother Scott in a car accident, she has dedicated her career to helping bereaved families find hope after loss.