As I get closer to the third anniversary of my daughter’s death, I struggle with opposite emotions. I feel the pain of death and the joy of living. The first year after my daughter died I cringed when people asked, “How are you?” Now I welcome the question.
For as the months passed, people began to forget about my losses. While this is normal, it was hard for me, especially since I had so much grief work to do.
A few days ago, I went to the florist and bought a holiday plant. The sales associate knew my grandchildren became orphans after their parents were killed in separate car crashes. She also knew my husband and I were raising them. Gently, oh so gently, she approached me and asked, “How are the twins?”
“They are high school seniors and straight A students,” I answered. She paused a moment and asked how I was doing. “I’m writing a monthly column for a new caregiving magazine,” I explained.
“How did they find you?” she asked.
“They heard about my work and contacted me,” I said. Then, much to my surprise, we hugged each other. It was a touching moment. “Thank you for asking,” I commented. I said this because the three year marker is turning out to be harder than I anticipated, and the return of emotional pain has caught me off guard.
Bob Deits, in his book, “Life After Loss,” describes mourning as a test of endurance. “It takes a long time to work through the various phrases of recovery,” he explains. According to Deits, the two year marker, or milestone, as he calls it, requires self patience. We expect normalcy because we survived the first year. “The second year proves how lonely it can be to make it without the one you lost.”
But few grief experts have written about the three year marker and it is also significant. A friend called me about this marker. “Three years have passed since my husband died,” she said. “It’s still hard.” I understand her feelings because I almost feel like I am starting my grief journey anew.
Jennifer Angel writes about this journey in a New York “Daily News” article, “Living with Loss: The Grief Process.” She thinks mourners need to plan ahead for grief triggers. “Develop some strategies that you feel are appropriate so you will be prepared for these occasions,” she advises. Her article ends with closure tips. Frankly, closure is not a word I would use.
I will never feel closure about my daughter’s death, father-in-law’s death, brother’s death, and former son-in-law’s death within nine months. I do, however, have a sense of reconciliation about these losses, and peace is seeping into my bones.
Brigham and Women’s Hospital in Boston, Massachusetts offers mourners advice in its article, “Get Ready for Anniversaries of the Heart,” published on the Positive Aging website. Mourners need to be good to themselves, the article notes, and goes on to say that giving can be a source of comfort. How will I honor my daughter’s memory on the third anniversary of her death?
First, I will be good to myself. I will give to others, treasure my grandchildren, and my devoted husband. Since my daughter had a marvelous sense of humor, I am going to do something different. Maybe even silly. I don’t know what it will be yet, but I will enjoy it and smile.
Copyright 2009 by Harriet Hodgson