Vehicles help us move. They help get us from one place to another. Sometimes the vehicle of choice is our car. Other times it may be a rental car, a bus, a cab, a boat, a bicycle, a hot air balloon, a plane, or even a skateboard.

There are many different vehicles to help move us through our grief. The possibilities are endless. Most if not all of us will need to utilize more than one vehicle on our grief journey. The vehicle is just a tool and we have to use the tools that will work for us.

Some of the vehicles you may use or be using might include:

Journaling, Telling your story, Telling it again and again, Searching for meaning.

Redefining your purpose, Beginning a new hobby or Reconnecting with an old one.

Art, Poetry, Music, Volunteer Work, Meditation, Massage/Healing Touch, Movies, Support Groups, Counseling, Taking a class, Gardening, Yoga, Exercise, Meditation.

Changing your hairstyle, Redecorating a room, Prayer, Bible Study.

Writing a letter or letters to your loved one, Letting them write a letter to you.

Making a quilt/s out of their clothing, Making scrapbooks, videos, calendars, Memory Bears. Talking to your loved one. Going to the cemetery, writing thank you notes for the support people have shown, saying your loved one’s name, saying it often.

Walking, Creating a memorial, Taking care of your physical self.

Finding new ways to include your loved one at holidays and family celebrations.

You can probably add to this list. The important thing is to choose your own vehicles, not allow someone else to dictate to you. What works for a friend or family member may be very different than what works for you. In grief and mourning, there are no absolutes and no right or wrong way as long as it does not harm yourself or others. It may be necessary to experiment until you find the right vehicles for you.

That is okay and normal. If you have experienced the deaths of other loved ones your journey this time may be very different. That too is normal. The important thing is to begin the ride.

Deb Kosmer

Debrakosmer@gmail.com

© 2012

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Deb Kosmer

Deb has worked at Affinity Visiting Nurses Hospice for ten years, the first two as a hospice social worker and the last eight as Bereavement Support Coordinator supporting families before and after the death of their loved ones. She provides supportive counseling, developed and facilitates a variety of grief support groups, including a well-attended group for men only as well as other educational events. Deb received her Bachelor’s degree in Social Work from UW-Oshkosh and her Master’s degree in Social Work from UW Milwaukee. She received her certification in Thanatology through ADEC. Her writing has appeared in New Leaf Magazine, We Need Not Walk Alone, Living with Loss, Grief Digest, numerous hospice publications and EAP publications. Some of her poetry on death and dying will be included in a college textbook for social workers in end of life soon. New Leaf has also used some of her poetry for a line of sympathy and anniversary of death cards. On a personal level, Deb's 14-year-old son died after being struck by a car. Her 31-year-old sister had died in a car accident eight months earlier, and her 56-year-old father died from a heart attack exactly three years before. These three unexpected deaths within three years started Deb on a journey she never wanted to be on and she learned first-hand the importance of having the help and support of others. In the years since, she has experienced other losses, the most recent being the unexpected death of her 44-year-old step-daughter who died from complications three months after routine surgery. Deb's passions are writing, reading, education, nature, and family. She is currently working on a book of her grief poetry. She recently moved with her husband to Waypost Camp, Hatley WI. Her husband accepted a job there as Property Manager and his position allows them to live on-site with acres of woods and a lake. She anticipates the quiet beauty to be a strong catalyst for writing.

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