For most of our 20 years of marriage, Steve very capably handled all the finances and paperwork for our household.   He brought his skills as an accountant and legal librarian to managing all of our accounts, organizing all of our paperwork and files, handling all the taxes and associated documentation, and making sure all the bills were paid on time each month.

Like almost everything else he did, he made it seem effortless.   I remember breezily watching him zip his way around Quicken, and always pretended to be interested when he’d show me the latest budget he’d created, complete with pie charts and schedules.   But it was always his thing.   All I needed to know was that there was money in the account and that my checks and ATM withdrawals wouldn’t bounce.

Even up until the week before he died, he was handling all the bills and accounts, in his ever- meticulous style.   By that point, he was so sick, yet he wanted to contribute to the household in any way he could.  Even though we didn’t want to admit that our time together was short, we both subconsciously knew it.   A week before his death, we were in San Francisco, visiting his mom.   We decided to stop by our bank branch to make sure all our accounts could be easily accessed by me, and as well, to change the safe deposit box signatories, because Steve had heard somewhere that sometimes there are hassles.   Little did we realize that less than a week later, he’d be gone.

Some surviving spouses are faced with an immediate financial crisis upon the death of the spouse.   Suddenly, they are confronted with a massive mortgage or rent payment that used to be covered by two incomes.   If children are in the picture, often additional child care costs are added to the budget.   Just dealing with the costs associated with the funeral and burial can be staggering.

Adding to the burden, for me, was the sense that my mind had fractured into thousands of pieces and my brain wasn’t making the connections it normally could be counted upon to make.   My memory was a joke, my internal clock somehow had vaporized, and even the calendar challenged me by switching months and dates seemingly at random.   I’d just barely get used to writing “April” on my checks, and it was already September!

In this state of mind, dealing with the mountains of paperwork and financial decisions associated with Steve’s death nearly sent me over the edge of sanity.   I was tempted to ignore the mounting pile of mail that seemed to grow by six inches each day.   Just opening up the file cabinet and seeing Steve’s carefully maintained filing system, with his handwriting describing the contents of each file, would send me into an emotional meltdown.   Because I’d just started a new job, I felt compelled to immediately return to work, to make up for all the time I’d taken off to care for Steve during his illness.   Long hours, a fractured mind, and a volatile emotional system combined to make me want to run away every time I thought of the finances.   And worst of all, I knew Steve would absolutely have a fit if he saw the condition of our home office!

No matter how prepared I thought we were, there were a lot of things I wish I’d known at the time, and a lot of things I’d wished I’d discussed with Steve before he died, and a lot of things I’ve learned since, as I’ve dealt with the financial aspects of my husband’s death.

Things I’ve learned:

• Be sure to request at least 20 official copies of the death certificate. It seems morbid, but you’ll need them, for all sorts of things, including dealing with the Social Security office, making insurance claims, changing the name on your mortgage, and closing or changing the names of credit card accounts. (I think I have three of the 20 copies left.)
• Make sure you have all of your spouse’s PIN (Personal Identification Numbers), for everything from ATM cards to cell phone messages. Of course, store these in a secure place.
• Try to stay on top of the bills. Some credit cards will now automatically increase the interest rate they charge if you’re even one day late. You don’t want to ruin your good credit rating just because you’re existing in a grief fog. (If for some reason, you accidentally do get a late fee, call the organization and explain the situation. Usually, they’ll waive it under the circumstances, and your credit will be safe.)
• Some things, like bills and the mortgage, must be dealt with immediately. But other things can wait, like changing the credit card account names, and updating the county property files. Even though the funeral and burial or cremation need to take place immediately, you can take your time arranging for the memorial grave marker.
• Especially if children are involved, make sure your own estate planning paperwork is up-to-date and everything is in order since the death of your spouse. My uncle has a “When Things Go to Hell in a Handbasket” binder in which he stores all important documentation, a copy of the will and trusts, applicable insurance, banking and investment account numbers, and more. He keeps it in a safe place, but has made it a point to show his child and a few close family members where it is, just in case.
• One of the best pieces of advice came to me from our wonderful funeral director, Dell Crane, who said, “It is not a bad thing to walk slowly at this time.” For some reason, widows and widowers seem to be the target of every con artist in town, and a good rule of thumb is that unless a change is absolutely necessary, don’t make any big decisions for at least a year following the death, including selling your house, moving, changing financial advisors, or making big investments. If you receive a big chunk of insurance money, put it into a conservative money market account at least temporarily, but don’t fall prey to potential swindlers who always seem to pop up with the “opportunity of a lifetime.”
• Don’t panic! Help is just a phone call away. There are professional organizers who will go to your home and help you make sense of all the paperwork and “stuff.” Financial planners and accountants are more than ready to jump in and assist, when called upon. Yes, you’ll pay a fee for these services, but in the long run, will assuredly agree it was money well spent.

How did your spouse’s death impact you financially? What feelings arise as you deal with the financial repercussions of your loss?  How are you dealing with those feelings?  Please feel to share your experiences…

Beverly Chantalle McManus lives in Northern California with her two daughters, who have each now graduated from college.  She is Vice President and Treasurer of the Board of Directors for the Open to Hope Foundation, a bereavement facilitator and core team member of the Stepping Stones on your Grief Journey Workshops, and a frequent speaker and writer on the topic of loss and grief.  In addition to grief support, she is also a marketing executive for professional services firms.

© 2008 Beverly Chantalle McManus

Tags: belongings, funerals, grief, hope, money