It was 1 yr ago July 18,2007 I found my precious 23 yr old daughter Juli non-responsive in her bed. Unbeknown to us, she had spent the weekend helping care for her friend that had major back surgery 1 month before. She came home Sunday evening and commented on how exhausted she was. After laying on the couch and watching TV she came in and woke her dad up to tell him about the electrical storm that was lighting up the sky (that was their thing, they would jump in my husbands big 4 wheel drive truck and go out and watch the ?light show God was putting on?? After coming home she used her asthma inhaler and went to bed. My husband called to me franticly in the morning that her color did not look good and that she was breathing oddly?I went to my precious baby girl and she was non-responsive. Her eyes were fixed and she was barely breathing. All I can remember is that the ambulance came and they kept asking me what she had taken and all I could say was ?I don?t know?? She lived in my house and died in the next room and I didn?t even know it. After months of waiting for the toxology report we found out that she had taken her friends methodone (commonly used to releive nerve pain now days) as well as a lidocane patch to help relieve her own back pain. She had also been having terrible night mares about being raped when she was 18?if only I had known how much pain she was in. Even tho it has been a year, I can?t get past the guilt I feel. I long to smell her as I hold her, to hug her, to look into her crystal blue eyes. I don?t know how to live without her?people tell me I have another daughter, a son, and two grandchildren to live for and I want to scream. No one can ever replace my best buddy. I am in agony. Is there any help for me?
We are so very sorry for your loss and know that no words can adequately describe the pain you are feeling. We also want you to know that, through The Grief? Blog, there will be many who join with you, who understand what you are going through and walk with you in spirit.
You ask if there is any help for you and the answer is ?yes.?? As a starting place, we urge you to seek out a local chapter of Compassionate Friends. Each member has experienced the death of a child and each has survived and grieved in his or her own way. With this group you do not have to walk this path alone and you will have others who can help you along the way. You can find them at http://www.compassionatefriends.org/. Or you might like to find a professional grief counselor to help you with the deep guilt and agony you feel. Grieving the loss of a child is not easy and each of us grieves in our own time and in our own way. And there are others who can help you through it.
We invite you to listen on Thursday mornings to the radio show Healing the Grieving Heart? You can find information about it and a link to it on the first page of http://www.thegriefblog.com? You might also find a number of past shows that can give you help and comfort at http://thegriefblog.com/grief-grieving-death-of-a-child/
We will post your letter and our response on The Grief Blog because we know there are others who feel as you do and? this may be of help to them as well. You might like to check periodically for responses because our readers are a loving, compassionate group who often reach out to help each other. You will find this on the first page of http://www.thegriefblog.com