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He Loved those Slippers — Dealing with the Belongings of Your Departed Spouse

Posted on September 22, 2008 - by Beverly Chantalle McManus

The closet full of his shirts, ties, jackets and slacks. His well worn slippers next to his side of the bed. His wallet and eyeglasses. His razor and toothbrush. The tool chest in the garage. His tennis racket. His harmonica collection and guitars. His treasured complete set of vintage Beatles imports on vinyl. All those science fiction books that fill more than half of our bookcases. What do we do with all the “stuff” that belonged to our spouse who has died? So many people stand ready to quickly offer glib advice […]

21-Year-Old Wonders How to Deal With Pain of Mother-Loss

Posted on September 22, 2008 - by Carol O'Dell

Sally from California asks: I lost my mother two months back. I’m 21, the elder child and suddenly feel that my world has been turned upside down. I’m studying away from home and have blocked my grief out completely. But on the days it makes an appearance, the pain is unbearable. Will the pain ever reduce? Carol O’Dell, author of Mothering Mother, responds: Yes, the pain will subside, give it time. Lots of time. But also know that the grief you’re experiencing is absolutely normal. You lost your mom. You shouldn’t have lost your mom so soon. Your grief tells […]

Beginning Again After the Loss of Parents

Posted on September 22, 2008 - by Pamela Gabbay

By Pamela Gabbay — When I was 25 years old, I learned about life and death in the same month. At the beginning of July, I had my first child, a precious baby girl. By the end of July, my 49-year-old father was dead. He was a truck driver who fell asleep at the wheel of his truck in the middle of the night. He crashed and died instantly. When he died, my world crashed in. I walked around in a stupor trying to make sense of this new, foreign world. I didn’t know what to feel. I didn’t know […]

Shame of HIV Can Lead to Medication Non-compliance

Posted on September 22, 2008 - by Howard Gluss

By Howard Gluss — Recently a patient of mine was newly diagnosed with HIV. After the initial shock of the diagnosis the patient appeared to handle the reality of the diagnosis quite well. He immediately received all the necessary medical treatment and began a medication regimen. All seemed to be going well until he reported that he was having great difficulty remembering to take his medication. What we discovered in therapy was that he had attached a lot of negative psychological meaning and symbolism to the medication. He stated that every time he took his meds it reminded him of […]

Handling the Death of a Therapist

Posted on September 20, 2008 - by Gloria Horsley

Susan from New York writes: My therapist died suddenly on Aug. 18. I miss him so so so much because I used him for 22 years. Any suggestions on how to make myself feel better? I am so deeply saddened. Dr. Gloria Horsley responds: Dear Susan, I am truly sorry to hear of the death of your therapist. We sometimes forget that our therapists are only too human. I too lost a therapist many years ago. My therapist was guilty of malpractice but nevertheless, no longer being able to see him was a blow to me. I felt that I […]

Eighteen Years Later, Father Confronts Daughter’s Killer

Posted on September 19, 2008 - by Lew Cox

By Lew Cox — In October 2005, I attended a California State parole hearing for the slayer of my daughter, Carmon. Carmon was 22 years old when she was murdered in 1987 in Los Angeles. The drive from Tacoma, Wash., to the Soledad Prison in central California was a philosophical time that gave me the chance to reflect on the ramifications this crime has had on my family. This would be the first time that I would face Carmon’s killer. When he was sentenced for his crime, I was not informed by the L.A. District Attorney’s office that I had […]

We’ve Just Found Out: Mom (or Dad) Has Alzheimer’s–Another Caregiver Begins the Journey

Posted on September 19, 2008 - by Carol O'Dell

Recently, at a caregiver’s conference I started my talk about my caregiving journey, and that my mom had Alzheimer’s. A woman jumped up out of her seat, let out a cry, and ran out of the room. The director followed her out the door. Later, the director shared that the woman’s mom had been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s, and this was the first event she had attended. This was the first time she was admitting to herself that her mother had Alzheimer’s. Alzheimer’s is a tough diagnosis. Many people hear the word and instantly get an image of their loved one […]

When Things Go to Hell in a Handbasket — Coping with the Financial Aspects of Spouse Loss

Posted on September 17, 2008 - by Beverly Chantalle McManus

For most of our 20 years of marriage, Steve very capably handled all the finances and paperwork for our household. He brought his skills as an accountant and legal librarian to managing all of our accounts, organizing all of our paperwork and files, handling all the taxes and associated documentation, and making sure all the bills were paid on time each month. Like almost everything else he did, he made it seem effortless. I remember breezily watching him zip his way around Quicken, and always pretended to be interested when he’d show me the latest budget he’d created, […]

The Benefits of Laughter–A Caregiver’s Greatest Ally

Posted on September 17, 2008 - by Carol O'Dell

My mom may have had Parkinson’s, Alzheimer’s and a heart condition, but she could still say and do the craziest things. It’s okay to laugh. We have to. If we don’t, we’ll just dissolve into a puddle on the floor. Why is laughter so good for you? “The old saying that ‘laughter is the best medicine,’ definitely appears to be true when it comes to protecting your heart,” says Michael Miller, M.D., F.A.C.C., director of the Center for Preventive Cardiology at the University of Maryland Medical Center. “We don’t know yet why laughing protects the heart, but we know that […]

“A Tsunami”: Suicidal Crisis Up Close

Posted on September 17, 2008 - by DeQuincy Lezine

By DeQuincy Lezine — (Editor’s note: Dr. Lezine attempted suicide during college, then turned his personal despair into advocacy by forming the first student-led college mental health and suicide prevention group. Here is the story of his suicidal crisis.) Normally I tell people that you don’t just wake up one day and say, “Hey, I’m suicidal today.” No one moment, no single event, is enough by itself to create a suicidal crisis. Instead, multiple events or situations, known as risk factors, combine to increase the chances that a person will consider and attempt suicide. But one of the paradoxes of […]