Question from a reader: Two months ago, my 21-year-old nephew, my sister’s only child, was killed in a car accident.  I was 19 when he was born.  I have feelings of love for him almost as if he were my own son.  I can’t find others like me.  I have searched a few online forums and it seems there isn’t a specific place for me to go.  Where do I fit in?  I am the aunt, not the mom or dad, not the brother or sister, not the grandma.  I am overwhelmed with fear that something will now happen to one of my kids or to my husband, or even that I might be taken from them.  Also, I feel so guilty — something similar to “survivor’s guilt.”  I wonder how my sister can stand to look at me, at my 20-year-old daughter, at my 17-year old son.  I don’t know how to understand why I get to keep my wonderful family and she has to give up the son she built her life around.  As a mom and as her sister, I cannot stand that this has happened to her, but I am helpless.  She and I are very different.  She is strong emotionally;  I am not.  A few times, I have found myself in a situation where she was comforting me.  I don’t know how to handle it. Yes, I am heartbroken, I am destroyed, but I know it can’t come close to how she is feeling. It seems there is nothing I can say to her — there is nothing to say.

My response: Oh my dear friend, you do fit in right here, right now! You fit in for the same reason all the rest of us fit in here, because we all are bound by the common experience of loss. You fit in because you have experienced the death of someone you love dearly, and you are hurting in the deepest regions of your soul. So please know that you’ve come to the right place, and you are most welcome here.

You say that whatever it is you’re experiencing, it cannot come close to the loss and pain your sister is feeling  but I want to suggest to you that it is appropriate and healthy to honor your own loss of this nephew you loved so much as worthy of grief too. The worst kind of grief is the grief you are experiencing right now.

Don’t compare your grief with anyone else’s, and know that, at this moment, your loss is the worst thing that could happen to anyone. Where there is great loss, there is great pain. Where there is deep love, there is deep grief. Accept that these are your feelings, that they are very real, and that you have a right to feel them. Respect your own reactions to this loss. Take time to look, listen, experience and understand them, and honor the sorrow that is yours.

Know, too, that feelings are not right or wrong, good or bad — they just are, and we cannot always help what we feel. There isn’t a person among us who would judge you for holding your own children close and for being grateful that they are not the ones who died. And the fact that you are grateful that this horrible accident did not happen to one of your own children does not mean that you are grateful that it did happen to your sister’s child!

We live in a death-denying culture, after all, and most of us couldn’t get through an ordinary day without deluding ourselves that we are safe, we will continue to be safe, and all our loved ones will be safe at home waiting for us at the end of our busy day. Now that this death has happened, you are no longer able to hold on to the illusion that your world is safe, dependable and predictable. Your assumptive world is forever changed, and it is frightening and overwhelming to know that you must come to terms with that.

I understand your not wanting to upset your sister by something you have done or failed to do, whether at the cemetery or anywhere else, but I seriously doubt if expressing the love you had and continue to feel for her son would be upsetting to her. Talking with your sister about this young man you both loved so much, sharing stories about him, reminiscing together and remembering him, and finding ways to keep his memory alive can be the most precious gifts you can give to each other as you both find your way through this long and difficult journey of grief. You need not suffer this alone, and in silence, separated from each other at a time when you need each other most.

© by Marty Tousley, RN, MS, FT, DCC

Reach Marty through her Web sites, http://www.griefhealing.com and http://www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com.  She blogs weekly at Grief Healing  and can be found on Twitter, LinkedInFacebook and Pinterest.

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Marty Tousley

As both a bereaved parent and a bereaved daughter herself, Marty Tousley, RN, MS, FT, DCC has focused her practice on issues of grief, loss and transition for more than 40 years. She joined Hospice of the Valley in Phoenix, AZ as a Bereavement Counselor in 1996, and for ten years served as moderator for its innovative online grief support forums. She obtained sole ownership of the Grief Healing Discussion Groups in October, 2013, where she continues to serve as moderator. A frequent contributor to health care journals, newsletters, books and magazines, she is the author of Finding Your Way through Grief: A Guide for the First Year: Second Edition, The Final Farewell: Preparing for and Mourning the Loss of Your Pet, and Children and Pet Loss: A Guide for Helping. She has written a number of booklets for Hospice of the Valley including Explaining the Funeral /Memorial Service to Your Children and Helping Another in Grief, as well as monthly columns, e-books and online e-mail courses for Self-Healing Expressions, addressing various aspects of grief and loss. With her special interest in grief and the human-animal bond, Marty facilitated a pet loss support group for bereaved animal lovers in Phoenix for 15 years, and now serves as consultant to the Pet Loss Support Group at Hospice of the Valley and to the Ontario Pet Loss Support Group in Ontario, Canada. Her work in pet loss and bereavement has been featured in the pages of Phoenix Magazine, The Arizona Republic, The East Valley Tribune, Arizona Veterinary News, Hospice Horizons, The Forum (ADEC Newsletter), The AAB Newsletter, Dog Fancy Magazine, Cat Fancy Magazine, Woof Magazine and Pet Life Magazine. Marty’s Grief Healing website and blog offer information, comfort and support to anyone who is anticipating or mourning the loss of a loved one, whether a person or a cherished companion animal. She is certified as a Fellow in Thanatology (Death, Dying and Bereavement) by the Association for Death Education and Counseling, as a Distance Credentialed Counselor by the Center for Credentialing and Education, and as a Clinical Specialist in Adult Psychiatric/Mental Health Nursing Practice by the American Nurses Association. Marty and her husband Michael have two grown sons and four grandchildren. They spend their winters in Scottsdale, AZ and Sarasota, FL, and enjoy their summers in Traverse City, MI. Marty welcomes reader questions and comments, and can be contacted at tousleym@aol.com or through her Web sites, at GriefHealing.com, GriefHealingBlog.com, and GriefHealingDiscussionGroups.com.

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