We had just gone to bed when the phone rang. The call was from a member of the ambulance team. She called to tell us our daughter had been injured in a car crash. “It’s really bad,” she concluded. I can still hear her words in my mind and, painful as they were, they helped me prepare for what was to come.

After more than 20 hours of surgery, the lead surgeon told us our daughter was brain-dead. Traumatizing as the news was, discontinuing life support and signing documents for organ donation were just as traumatizing. My husband and I were frozen in shock.

Our shock increased when, two days later, my father-in-law died. Word of the deaths spread quickly. Flowers began to arrive and so did friends. Two special friends came by to offer comfort and listen to my story. Today, I think of their listening as a special gift.

What are the causes of traumatic loss? According to the International Society for Traumatic Stress Studies, the causes include disease, accidents, suicide, homicide, war and terrorism. “Sometimes grief becomes complicated, and bereaved survivors remain shaken and acutely distressed for months or years after the loss,” the society explains.

In 2007, I lost my daughter, father-in-law, brother, and former son-in-law. These tips come from life experience and will help you be an active listener.

1. Keep eye contact. Focus all of your attention on the mourner. According to “Listening Effectively,” an article on the Wright State University website, effective listeners show the speaker that they’ve been heard and understood. Eye contact can tell you when and if it is appropriate to give the person a hug or hand pat.

2. Don’t interrupt. If you’re a verbal person like me, ideas pop into your head and you want to share them. Interrupting doesn’t help the bereaved.

3. Focus your mind. As you listen to this raw, personal, painful story your thoughts may stray. Bring them back to the moment and focus on what you are hearing. What is the main message?

4. Withhold advice. This isn’t the time to tell your sob stories or offer advice. Remember, the person you are listening to is in shock. That’s enough to handle.

5. Ask gentle questions. In his book, “Working with Emotional Intelligence,” Daniel Goleman describes listening as an art. He thinks an active listener goes out of his or her way to hear the message. “Listening well and deeply means going beyond what is being said by asking questions, restating in one’s own words what you hear to be sure you understand.”

6. Provide feedback. Nod your head to show you understand and sympathize. If you think it is appropriate, offer comforting words such as “How awful” and “I’m so sorry.”

7. Track the time. One of my friends, dear as she was and continues to be, stayed for more than an hour. Though I appreciated her visit, I was exhausted and couldn’t wait to go to bed. Though your visit is short your gift of listening will be received.

Copyright 2011 by Harriet Hodgson

Harriet Hodgson

Harriet Hodgson has been a freelancer for 43 years, is the author of thousands of articles, and 42 books, including 10 grief resources. She is Assistant Editor of the Open to Hope website, a member of the Association of Health Care Journalists, Alliance of Independent Authors, Minnesota Coalition for Grief Education and Support, and Grief Coalition of Southeastern Minnesota. She is well acquainted with grief. In 2007 four family members died—her daughter (mother of her twin grandchildren), father-in-law, brother (and only sibling) and the twins’ father. Multiple losses shifted the focus of Hodgson’s work from general health to grief resolution and healing. She has appeared on more than 185 radio talk shows, including CBS Radio, and dozens of television stations, including CNN. In addition to writing for Open to Hope, Hodgson is a contributing writer for The Grief Toolbox website and The Caregiver Space website. A popular speaker, she has given presentations at The Compassionate Friends national conference, Bereaved Parents of the USA national conference, and Zoom grief conferences. Her work is cited in Who’s Who of American Women, World Who’s Who of Women, Contemporary Authors, and other directories. For more information about this busy grandmother, great grandmother, author, and speaker please visit www.harriethodgson.com.

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