Open to Hope Articles
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Grieving by Gardening: A Harvest of Hope
January 30, 2010
We often think of grieving as something that happens to us. But have you thought lately about how you grieve by doing? There may be some particular things that you’ve been doing that have been helpful and healing on your grief journey. For instance, I remember talking to a woman after her mother died. She told me how worried she was about her father because he wasn’t expressing any grief. Her parents, she explained, were very close and always did everything together. Everyone always said they were like two peas in a pod. She could only imagine how devastated her […]
When the Crying Won’t Stop, Try Breathing
January 24, 2010
I recently met a woman I’ll call Anna who lost her spouse in a terrible accident ten years ago. Although time has passed, for her, it is as if it happened yesterday. Whenever she remembers, as she does every day, she can’t help but weep. Anna wanted to tell me her story, and as she started to speak, she was so overwhelmed by her pain that she could only sob. I knew that reliving the moment over and over keeps the wound open, and this is harmful physically, emotionally and spiritually. Therefore, I showed Anna a simple technique for lessening […]
Grieving a Father and a Mother’s Soul Mate
January 21, 2010
As my mom, Patricia LaBean, and I placed our order for funeral flowers, on that day in May of 2008, she told the florist, “Fifty years ago July, I was here with my boyfriend ordering our wedding flowers!” It seemed like she lived a lifetime with her childhood sweetheart but it didn’t matter, it was all taken away in a moment’s time. We had no idea how to begin grieving the loss of my beloved father and my mom’s soul mate, LaVern LaBean (known by all as Buck). Our lives were shattered by his death. My mom’s biggest fear was to live by herself […]
All I Wanted For Christmas Was … My Family
December 31, 2009
How much did I love Christmas? I would start my Christmas shopping in July of each year. I was the social convener of the century, organizing party after party. And, of course, a real tree was mandatory. I loved the smell of a Christmas tree and loved touching the needles. And my collection of Christmas ornaments was huge. There were Christmas ornaments with my children’s names and ones we created together when the children were young. At our house, we decorated the tree together as a family, listening to Christmas carols and drinking eggnog. The death of my husband, Rhod, […]
Dear Widow: When Mistletoe and Holly Make You Feel All Blue
December 25, 2009
Oh, by gosh, by golly, whaddayaknow, it’s Happy Holiday time, again! And that red-suited man standing on your street corner’s extolling, “Ho! Ho! Ho!” making, you, dear widow, want to scream, “No! No! No!” instead, because your husband is dead. Just like teeny snowflakes falling from the sky, you’re feeling sad and a tiny bit silly. You don’t understand. Because it’s *hand over mouth* years since you buried that man. Not to worry. Because I’m a widow, too. And I got three tips for you to get you through. Tip #1 – Cry. Go ahead. Give yourself permission. Pick a […]
Poem: New Widow Speaks to God
December 24, 2009
My husband is dead! My husband isn’t here anymore! I don’t have a partner anymore! I reach over to his side of the bed and it’s cold and empty. Look around…..I’m looking….the coffee cup is still sitting on the shelf. I look some more and the newspaper is still on the lawn… It’s awful quiet in here! Something is seriously wrong. Death has invaded the entire space of my existence…. Now just one minute! No, I’m in the middle of a dream… “still foggy from sleep?” I touch my pink cotton robe and I’m here…I’m awake. I’m still here. But, […]
Grief Takes No Holidays
December 21, 2009
“Grief is the price you pay for love,” said therapist Carol Nevin at the December meeting of the Widows List Group at the Northbrook, Ill., Senior Center. Carol was there to discuss “Grieving During the Holidays,” and her visit was perfectly timed for Marilyn, one member who lost her husband six months ago and still feels “disoriented.” Marilyn said that confusion frustrates her more than anything else, because she always felt in control of her life. “And that’s perfectly normal, ” Carol assured us. “We all like control and predictability and we don’t like change, but death shows us that we have little control over life.” Carol also touched on another common part of grief that […]
When Death Steals Your Holidays
December 12, 2009
We all have images about how life should look, and those images are never more powerful than when we look ahead to a holiday. My wife, Bonnie, loved Christmas. The fall when she was dying of cancer, she ordered presents by phone and online, sent our daughter Rebecca to stores, and had me pack presents for shipping. She finished all her Christmas shopping, and she died on the 17th of December. A couple of days after Bonnie’s memorial service, Rebecca and I opened the gifts Bonnie had bought for us. We were numb, uprooted. The only thing stranger than opening […]
Who Burned My Roles? How Our Identity Changes After a Loss
December 2, 2009
Our roles in life define us. Parent, spouse, student, employee, sibling, and offspring are some examples. Our identity is shaped by these roles. Before my husband’s death, my defining roles were mother, wife and caregiver. With three young children and a terminally ill husband, these responsibilities took up the majority of my waking hours. When Greg died, that changed dramatically. In the aftermath of this loss, I naturally felt lost and confused. Much of this was due to grieving his absence. But, as time passed, I realized that I was also grieving the loss of my roles of wife and […]
