Daughter Feels Little Support for Mother Loss

Question from a reader: I tearfully happened upon your website by chance this morning.  My dearest friend, my mom, died in my arms this past month.  I had brought her here to live with me after her colon cancer returned. From the moment of diagnosis, I watched her hurt and endure so much treatment, never giving up, always smiling, always gentle, humble.  Mom lasted 7 months.  My precious friend is no longer with me.  Since she died, I’ve received very little support from my husband or anyone else.   I joined an online grief group, but I do not feel as if I belong there.  My friends have faded away.  You would be surprised how people fade away when someone is thrust into care giving.  Even our church turned their backs—no calls, no words of comfort, no nothing.  My husband confronted them on this, but still no contact.  I do not understand. What am I doing wrong?  My heart is breaking—where do I turn?  I want to know it is okay to cry and that I will still be loved.  I want to know that I can be distant in my sorrow and I will still be loved—not  rejected.  Can you help me to understand?

Marty Tousley, CNS-BC, FT, DCC, responds: Please accept my deepest sympathy for the loss of your beloved mother.  I’m so sorry that you feel so isolated and alone.  I know that with an overwhelming sense of missing your mother comes the crushing awareness of all you’ve lost.  You’d give anything to be together again, if only long enough to be relieved of your loneliness, and to be reassured that your mother is still a part of your life.

You say that you’ve received little if any support from your spouse and others.   In the wake of loss it is not unusual to feel isolated, different and apart from everyone else, convinced that no one understands and you must grieve alone.   This is partly because our culture isn’t comfortable with the subject of death, and few of us know how to cope with the pain of loss and grief.  We don’t permit or encourage the free expression of sorrow.  Instead we learn to control our feelings and hide our pain so we won’t disturb other people.

You may be reluctant to turn to others, either because you haven’t learned to accept or ask for help, or because you’re afraid others won’t know what to do with your feelings. If they’re unfamiliar with the intensity and duration of grief or uncomfortable with the expression of strong emotions, they may offer only meaningless platitudes or clichés, change the subject or avoid you altogether.   Some people you know may be done with your grieving long before you are, expecting you to be “over it by now” or worrying that you’re somehow “hanging on” to your grief.

Your disappointment in your church reminds me of something I once heard at a conference, from a colleague who’s provided bereavement consultation and training to thousands of counselors and therapists the world over.  He told of a case he was struggling with because his grieving client felt completely alienated from her religious faith (she was a Roman Catholic).

Because the therapist was Jewish, he felt compelled to refer this woman to a colleague who happened to be a Catholic nun, as well as a fellow grief counselor at the hospice where they both worked at the time.  When the nun met with his client, she told the woman that if she never set foot in another church for the rest of her life, she was still a child of God and God still loved her.  That statement, coming from a nun, was exactly what the woman needed to hear, broke the log-jam and served to help her move along in her grieving process.

I share this with you because I want to normalize the alienation you are feeling, especially in the face of the rejection and neglect you felt from your church community.  I want to gently suggest to you that the rejection you felt came from the human beings in your church, not from God.  I also want you to know that it is normal and healthy to question your own basic spiritual beliefs when you lose someone you love to death—please see, for example, my article, Spiritual Reactions to Loss.

I don’t know anything about the online grief group you joined, but I encourage you to visit the one that I moderate for Hospice of the Valley.  Our online Grief Healing Discussion Groups contains a forum for Loss of a Parent or Grandparent, and there you will find some of the most caring, compassionate and understanding people you could ever hope to meet.  Not all online grief groups are the same, not all are moderated by certified hospice bereavement counselors, and so I urge you to try one that is better suited to your needs.  You are most welcome to join us.

I’d also like to offer some suggestions for coping with the loneliness and isolation you are feeling:

  • Think about who is supportive to you in your environment and what gives your life purpose and direction (family members, pets, relatives, friends, neighbors, co-workers, teachers, colleagues, clubs, athletic activities, groups, church groups, support groups, bereavement counselor). With whom are you most comfortable, and who is the most comfortable ( accepting and caring) with your grief? Look for those who will listen without judging you, or for those who have suffered a similar loss.
  • Find time with others to talk, to touch, to receive support. Be honest with others about what you’re feeling. Allow yourself to express your sadness rather than masking it.
  • Don’t expect your husband (or others) to guess what you need. When you want to be touched, held, hugged, listened to or pampered, say so.
  • If all you want from others is help with simple errands, tasks, and repairs, say so.
  • Let others (especially children) know if and when you need to be alone, so they won’t feel rejected.
  • Go somewhere and have a good, long cry— and do it as often as you wish. You have every right to miss the person who has died. Accept your feelings as normal.
  • Find time alone to process what’s happened: to remember, to dream, and to think.
  • Identify your loneliest times, and think of how you can alter your routines and environment (for example, rearrange the furniture in a room; plan your weekends ahead of time; use your microwave for quick, easy meals).
  • While some folks really are thoughtless and don’t think before they speak, bear in mind that many well meaning individuals have yet to experience a significant loss, so they really don’t know what grief feels like, or how to respond, or what to say. They aren’t deliberately trying to hurt you. You can choose to bear with such people, you can enlighten them about what you know of grief, or you can look to others who are more understanding to find the support you need.
  • Realize that no one can totally understand the relationship you had with your mother.
  • Ask people to remember, talk about and share stories about your mother with you.

You’re not doing anything “wrong,” my dear—you  simply haven’t yet found the information, comfort and support that you need and deserve.  There is plenty of good help “out there”—you just need a little guidance in how to find it.  See, for example, Finding Grief Support That Is Right for You.

Make a commitment to yourself to learn all you can about the normal grief process so you’ll have a better understanding of why you’re feeling as you do, and you’ll discover how to better manage your reactions.  See, for example, the books and articles I’ve listed on the Articles ~ Columns ~ Books page of my Grief Healing Web site.  Check out my site’s Death of a Parent page and visit some of the resources listed there.  Consider taking an online e-mail course on grief—read more about the one I’ve written at The First Year of Grief: Help for the Journey.

I hope this information proves helpful to you, my dear.  Please know that you are not as alone as you might think.  I, for one, am thinking of you this moment, and holding you in my heart.

© 2010 by Marty Tousley, CNS-BC, FT, DCC

Reach Marty through her Web sites, http://www.griefhealing.com and http://www.hovforum.ipbhost.com, or her Blog, http://griefhealingblog.blogspot.com/

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Marty Tousley

More Articles Written by Marty

As both a bereaved parent and a bereaved daughter herself, Marty Tousley, CNS-BC, FT, DCC has focused her practice on issues of grief, loss and transition for more than 40 years. She joined Hospice of the Valley in Phoenix, AZ as a Bereavement Counselor in 1996, and for ten years served as moderator for its innovative online grief support forums. She obtained sole ownership of the Grief Healing Discussion Groups in October, 2013, where she continues to serve as moderator. A frequent contributor to health care journals, newsletters, books and magazines, she is the author of Finding Your Way through Grief: A Guide for the First Year: Second Edition, The Final Farewell: Preparing for and Mourning the Loss of Your Pet, and Children and Pet Loss: A Guide for Helping. She has written a number of booklets for Hospice of the Valley including Explaining the Funeral /Memorial Service to Your Children and Helping Another in Grief, as well as monthly columns, e-books and online e-mail courses for Self-Healing Expressions, addressing various aspects of grief and loss. With her special interest in grief and the human-animal bond, Marty facilitated a pet loss support group for bereaved animal lovers in Phoenix for 15 years, and now serves as consultant to the Pet Loss Support Group at Hospice of the Valley and to the Ontario Pet Loss Support Group in Ontario, Canada. Her work in pet loss and bereavement has been featured in the pages of Phoenix Magazine, The Arizona Republic, The East Valley Tribune, Arizona Veterinary News, Hospice Horizons, The Forum (ADEC Newsletter), The AAB Newsletter, Dog Fancy Magazine, Cat Fancy Magazine, Woof Magazine and Pet Life Magazine. Marty’s Grief Healing website and blog offer information, comfort and support to anyone who is anticipating or mourning the loss of a loved one, whether a person or a cherished companion animal. She is certified as a Fellow in Thanatology (Death, Dying and Bereavement) by the Association for Death Education and Counseling, as a Distance Credentialed Counselor by the Center for Credentialing and Education, and as a Clinical Specialist in Adult Psychiatric/Mental Health Nursing Practice by the American Nurses Association. Marty and her husband Michael have two grown sons and four grandchildren. They spend their winters in Scottsdale, AZ and Sarasota, FL, and enjoy their summers in Traverse City, MI. Marty welcomes reader questions and comments, and can be contacted at tousleym@aol.com or through her Web sites, at GriefHealing.com, GriefHealingBlog.com, and GriefHealingDiscussionGroups.com.

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  • Kim Go says:

    May I comment – I am unsure of the kind of church that the reader attends, but usually deacons are charged with the emotional care of the parishioners. I would recommend that, when you feel in a supported place, that you write a letter to the church reflecting on your experience so that the church can look at this as an area that they might need to improve in.

  • Marty Tousley, CNS-BC, FT, DCC says:

    An excellent suggestion, and I thank you for making it.

  • Anna Petrosyan says:

    Hello…my name is Anna and I am 19 years old…. I have lost my mother almost 3 years ago… She had diabetes since she was 16 and she died at the age of 34… I saw her struggling with her sickness whole my life… She never accepted she was sick!! I saw her being depressed, happy, mad, crazy!!!!!! She could never deal with the fact that she was very sick!!! oh how we all suffered!!!! year by year her condition was worse-more hospitals, more emergencies, more medicine, she grew weaker, but always fought it!!! SHe died when I was studying by an exchange program in US. (I am from Armenia). I could come to her funeral, I didn’t tell her goodbye, I wasn’t given a chance to see her!!!!!!! 2 months later I came back and found our house without her!!! I still can’;t cope, the fact of losing her is NOT fitting my mind… and it never will…. I so need her!!! I went to college, lots of things are happening in my life and she is not with me! She can’t see it! She won’t see how I get married or how I graduate college!!! I see girls with their Moms and it just breaks my heart that I will not have the opportunity to hug or kiss her never again!!
    I live with my grandmother now… I am an only child…. And even my life continues, I go to college, work, do other things, but I am empty!!!!! I don’t have her!

  • Gloria Horsley says:

    Dear Anna,
    So sorry about the loss of your mother. The fact that you have reached out in such a heart felt way says that you may be on the verge of a new relationship with your mother one that is realistic and lasting. To begin with there were and are many things you want and wanted from your mother which she was unable to give. Think it like going to a fruit store and wanting candy. I may just not be there. Your mother may not have had the things that you longed for and see other girls and there mothers have. But she did have other things to give and I am sure you have some good memories. I would suggest that you might write a letter to your mother and talk about the happy and the sad times and tell her what you long for. Then write a letter from her in answer to you. Let trusted friends and family members read the letters or discuss it with them. You might be surprised at what you find. Keep in touch and let us know at Open to Hope how this goes. It is a start on finding those contuining bonds with your beloved mother. Dr. Gloria

  • Linda says:

    OMG, I relate and empathise so much, my belovered mum and dearest friend lost a courageous battle in may. i had nursed her at home, I understand the loneliness of caregiving ( over a year ) and then the mix emontions of the months passed, reli efe guilt for the relife, I was probably traumastied for some months post and now just over 6 months, I miss her ..
    My friends and were supportive in their own ways however did not really understand.
    My sister and I both discuss our comment of people being in the club, nursing/care giving and them losing a mother.
    It does get better. I promise!
    , I have found wise counsel and fellowship in people I barely knew more than friends and partner, people who had similar excperiences. letter wring , jhournalling has helped/ accepting some days anniverisaries. are just “crap”

    I can know look back and say there were gifts in that time, however every day now ( as it’s s early ) is really know redesigning my life after caregiving and losing, however I have got to a point that it has hope and flutterings of excitment.

    I want you to know that you maY feel alone , however you are not. especially here. Talk jourmal, speak where you can,cry and feel ok weith that, but those days that sneak up too..where all of a sudden you realise your belly laughing again …enjoy …they willl… that you

    Kia kaha- ( is a moari word for strength)

    Linda

  • Susie says:

    Anna, bless your heart. Our daughter, Lisa, went home to be with Jesus. She has a daughter,now 17 and a son, now 12. Lisa loved her children so much. Lisa’s husband had to leave in Jan ’10 for reserves until Oct ’10. These kids were without their mother or dad. We live 7 hrs away, but I moved to SC to be with the kids and my other daughter stayed with us too. We have always been very close to our girls and grandkids. I worry so because neither of the kids talk about their mom very much. The kids and the Lord are what have gotten my husband, our other daughter and me thru this. Trying to be strong for them. But like you I know they will miss Lisa seeing them graduate, proms, baseball games, cheerleading competions, college, getting married……. However, the Bible doesn’t really say that they can’t see us. My heart breaks for you. Know that you are your grandmother’s reason for pressing on,

  • Amy says:

    I just happened to see this website on my search on bereavement…I am so sorry! i just lost my mom on december 13, she was my best friend. I am lost, but have a great suport system. I am so sorry. I just felt i need to post this. I will pray for you.