Martha from Utah writes: Your blog comments would have been of immense help the first couple of years after my husband’s death. We had been married for 45 years. I can relate to all they say. At this point in my adjustment (not recovery), reading what new widows have to say brings back a lot of the pain. When it comes down to the nitty gritty, Time is the greatest healer. It will be 4 years in February. I have figured out I will either survive or die.
Do any other widows complain about inheritance issues involving their children or step children? This was my greatest burden. Bob left all our money to me. I had two children by a previous marriage and the two boys by Bob were furious. After he died, they demanded a huge cut of Bob’s estate. One even brought me a Power of Attorney form, and raised a ruckus when I wouldn’t sign. I shook so badly that I couldn’t write-could hardly hold a fork or spoon. The two kept at me until I thought I had Parkinson’s. The doctor said it was nerves. I lived on heavy sedation for almost a year, making only necessary trips to the grocery store and bank, then back to another pill and my recliner. I don’t know how I managed to get off this hill and back home. Two friends, one a retried IRS supervisor and the other an attorney, told me the boys would never leave me alone until I gave them each an enormous amount. To save my sanity, that is what I finally had to do. I’m glad Bob never knew how greedy his sons were — and are. I lost 18 months of my life before I was allowed to grieve and recover.
Beverly Chantalle McManus, Grief & Loss Companion, responds: Martha, thanks for sharing your experience. I’m so sorry for your loss — after 45 years together, you must miss your husband very much. And how sad that in addition to bearing the grief from losing your Bob, you had to endure the greed and hostility of the sons.
I’m continually amazed at how often this scenario occurs — in different variations, but always with a common theme of hard-hearted family members or friends who want to exploit your vulnerability, at a time when you’re already feeling shattered and abandoned. Sometimes these actions create chasms that can never be bridged.
And it’s not just friends and family members. Some businesses are low enough to track obituaries and actually target widows and widowers with a wide range of investment schemes, shady purchases, and “deals of a lifetime.” One of my friends told me that shortly after her husband died, a delivery person arrived with a beautiful upholstered chair from a local furniture store, and presented her with the COD invoice, saying her husband had ordered it for her before his death, and wanted it to be delivered as a comfort to her when he was gone. She was stunned, but knowing how thoughtful her husband had been, wrote a check to pay for the chair and delivery fee. She later learned in the local paper that this same company was being investigated by the DA’s fraud unit for perpetrating this same stunt on hundreds of unsuspecting widows and widowers.
What I’ve learned: Perhaps because they know that some widows and widowers will receive a big lump-sum insurance payout, or just because predators can sense when someone is vulnerable and likely to make a wrong decision, we who are bereaved do in fact need to be aware and cautious whenever anyone, whether friend, family, or stranger, tries to part us from our resources. And I’m not implying that all of these are fraudulent schemes, nor that our family and friends don’t have the best of intentions for us. It’s just that losing a spouse makes us uncommonly vulnerable, and hence, we’re wise to be extra cautious. As mentioned in an earlier blog, I found that some advice from our funeral director has been indispensable. He said, “It is not a bad thing to walk slowly at this time,” and I frequently remind myself of this counsel when others make demands or strongly suggest I take a course of action that might be risky. It never hurts to delay a decision until I’ve had time to carefully analyze it, and perhaps even get outside perspective from experts.
When I take time to think about the emotions and feelings that the greedy attempts at manipulation bring up, the primary feeling I have is anger. The last thing we need when our hearts are broken is for others — particularly those who we think we should be able to trust — transform from “loving relative” into “attack mode” and come after us or our resources. As Martha experienced, sometimes the price for freedom from their snares is simply to pay them off and then realize that they are not the people we assumed they are… giving us yet another thing to grieve. I hope that Martha can now focus on her feelings and do her grief work unencumbered by the reprehensible behavior of Bob’s sons.
Have you experienced greedy or manipulative others who’ve tried to take advantage of you? What feelings did this experience bring up in you? How has it affected your grieving? I’d love to hear how you’ve handled this sticky but unfortunately not-uncommon scenario.
Beverly Chantalle McManus lives in Northern California with her two daughters, who have each now graduated from college. She is Vice President and Treasurer of the Board of Directors for the Open to Hope Foundation, a bereavement facilitator and core team member of the Stepping Stones on your Grief Journey Workshops, and a frequent speaker and writer on the topic of loss and grief. In addition to grief support, she is also a marketing executive for professional services firms.
Dear Martha,
I work on a documentary series called THE WILL and I’m looking character driven stories told from the perspective of those who lived through them. In times of greed, wills often brings out greed and in order to help our viewers deal with various pitfalls, we want to portray their stories on camera.
Many people suffer or will suffer from what you went through and I was wondering if you were willing to speak to me about your experience with the will to help others face similar situations.
If anyone else would like to share their difficult will inheritance stories with me, please do so at: koandco@gmail.com.
Thank you very much,
Katherine
I was marry 44 years and I feel so lost been on pill to keep me calm but went off them a month ago.I have two children a boy and a girl, When my husband passed away I was lost and still am but I am trying to stand on my two feet now it’s going on 4 years, My son he wanted a gun his dad had I gave it to him and he wanted the 1951 chevey Truck that I got for my husband and my son fix it up I paid him money to do it and save all the bills. He told me that was his truck and he wanted it I said no and I have it so he told me he has no mother she die too and God this broke my heart. My daughter she told me I should moved so I got a home her and her Husband pick out they wanted me to get so my granddaughter could to this nice school so I put the home in her name with mine well she never went to the school and they fix it up BUT I paid them to do it and got all the stuff it. Thing I got went missing my son-in-law took it for other job saying it was his. I over looked it well I wanted something done to my home I wanted a room put on but we got siding and windows and door for it and I keep spending I gave him cash to do the work. He did not want a check he wanted the money up front to pay his Bills and I did it that was last year and I could not add the add room cause of everything else,I told him it would have to wait till I get the loan down. Mean will he was to put on a ramp on my porch and fix the place were the well is and it has not been done to this day. He took my front door and I told him I wanted it back. He said it would fit well I know it would cause I had the door meager from Home-depo I told him to bring it back now. My daughter wanted a bill paid off and it was a lot of money and I have to pay the loan back she was to help me pay it back and only gave me a few dollars so far. So I yell at her and she told me I needed a hug I told don’t touch me. Pay you bill I am paying on my loan and with me adding what I gave you has took up what I have to pay. Her Husband don’t know about the money I paid her bill off he does not know she had it. well story short I am the no good one . Well I told my son-in-law I want my things back and he said that why your son said your dead to cause a mean woman well I feel I am not but I feel they use me and now my eyes are open a I am tire right now I can care less if tomorrow never comes but I am going to try and get my daughter name off my home and I wash my hands of them all . I want my husband back I never had this trouble when he was around, But I know I can’t have that so I need to move on some how. No one can Love a 66 year old woman I have my two dogs so I guess they will be the only one who will love me. That’s my story and I am sticking to it. No more kids no more husband I am on my own all the way now. Thank for reading this sorry if it’s not good But I feel sorry for everyone who lost there mate and Have kids
Yes, I’ve experienced this in my life-greed and manipulation and bottom feeders who take advantage of your grief. Especially when there is an estate, possessions, etc. Sometimes even so-called “friends” of the family, neighbors, etc will try to buy possessions of the deceased for a dime, or try to become “personal representatives”-people come out of the woodwork and nothing seems to be off limits. It doesn’t help your grieving, it extends it. It is the lowest of the low who do this.
I was wondering if you have any advice for steps to take in the case of a “black widow” type of person. We have a widowed father who has been a little over a year out of the death of his wife and has taken up with this new woman. I’m the daughter in law and have just tried to be supportive of all parties involved. It saddens me to see the grieving kids having to go through this. He’s kind of going through a mid life crisis at the expense of his kids. Breaks my heart. I’m hoping this lady isn’t preying upon him but I’m trying to prepare for worst case scenario: marriage . I see a completely opposite way men and woman handle the death of their loved one. Any suggestions welcomed.
My father died just a few months ago. upon arriving at his bedside before his death, I found his personal financial information already missing. People he shouldn’t have trusted, had already started the fraud. Taking of checks, and credit cards, before he was dead yet. i dealt with that as best I could as my father lay dying. i went to a bank to ask for help, and none was afforded. I was simply asking for 1 checking account to be frozen as the official POA. if I can say one thing to help others, I say this: make sure you have not just copies, but official originals of everything before someone’s death. If they are going to make you POA, or executor, or anything else……have all the documentation, original. do not leave this to chance, or even to the person making you responsible….they may not have thought about all that could take place after their passing. Please talk with them before if they are giving you the authority to do for them. Number 2, have a real plan with them about all the plans that are to be carried out including a financial one. Although my father had planned financially for his burial expenses in an offhand way, money is not instantaneous, and shock or grief can render you unable to think about these things clearly. The paperwork, that I assumed would be in order was a mess. Immediate money needed to transport my father to his requested final resting place was not available and or clearly defined in a plan. Although I knew the money would eventually be there, I had not enough available for the immediate things, like transporting him, mainly because the paperwork was not in order and a clear plan was not defined. Within one day of my father’s death, relatives of the greedy sort were on my ass. I could barely function enough to get the important things done…..like transport, burial, services etc. I now had the added stress of keeping the wolves at bay. I cannot fully describe the nightmare that ensued for me, words cannot do it justice. There was no time to grieve,,,,,I had to become a protector of my father’s estate, and deal with fraud issues and the like. It was horrible. i cursed him for not having forseen everything, even as I knew he could not have predicted it all. Some things, however could have been predicted. I did not think it was my place, to do that. I believed he had done that, so did not ever question it before he died. For this….I will always be sorry. Please talk to your loved ones about everything……before they die,,,,,it will be so important to you, later. And, although it sounds counter intuitive…trust no one. i feel horrible saying this, but it is an important thing. Do not allow your feelings of helplessness to overtake you. you may think you know all the people, relatives, friends, even your own friends….you do not. Somebody’s financial situation that you are not even aware of could cause them to do things you would never have believed. A close relative hounded me even at the funeral for the insurance pay outs, a close friend of 15 years that proclaimed her caring for me and all I was going through ripped off one of my father’s credit cards, and spent 6ooo dollars on her personal bills. I am still dealing with the aftermath of it all. I have no idea when I will be able to grieve for the loss of my father, but it is not yet. Other then a few minutes, here and there before returning to protection of what he wanted….that time to grieve as I wished was stolen from me. I move forward knowing I will do everything that I can and that hopefully soon I can have that time back.
This is a much needed organization for widows and widowers. What is so sad is the people you trust the most take advantage of you in grief mode. Accounts, Attorneys, Neighbors and so called friends. I now have trust issues and on guard constantly.
Very good article.. I had this happen to me, I lost my mother, my sister,my best friend, my mother in law – all in one year…
Even if you don’t have issues with deceased partner’s children, there will be remarks of who you’re going to leave your house and money to. You will always need maintenance done to your house and appliances but you don’t need personal questions about children and grandchildren. For the gossipers and busybodies, go ahead and have that six month liaison with a younger man, it will give them something to talk about and may show up some personal maintenance issues you need to address in time for someone better coming along. As for relatives of the deceased not mentioned in the will, I don’t think I would give a rat’s backside about them. You can take out a restraining order, change your phone number.