My daughter was 45 years old when she died on a February night from the injuries she received in a car crash. The last time I saw her, she was taking her children to see their dying grandfather, and laughing at something they said. When she died two days later – before her grandfather – I was stunned.
For months, the image of my daughter, laughing in the sunshine, was clear in my mind. I saw it again and again. As time passed, however, the image began to fade. Sidney Zisook, MD, talks about mental pictures in an Audio-Digest Website article, “Grief, Bereavement, and Depression.”
Mental images of a deceased loved one are attachment images, according to Zisook. “Humans have mental representations of important people in their lives,” he explains. These images often appear at stressful times and “do not change quickly in response to death.” I have many mental images of my daughter, images of her as a baby, walking toddler, Girl Scout, college student, composite engineer, MBA, and loving parent.
Still, the image I see most is the one of her laughing with her children. According to “Bereavement and Loss,” an article on the Breathing Space Scotland Website, the mental image of a deceased loved one “preoccupies the bereaved. In some cases, it is as though the person was still present and adds somewhat to the denial of loss.”
Denying loss was impossible for me. Eight weeks after my daughter and father-in-law died on the same weekend, my brother had a heart attack and died. Then, in November, my former son-in-law died from the injuries he received in another car crash. There was no way to deny the deaths of four loved ones within nine months.
You probably have mental images of the deceased and one particular image you see often. This image may be starting to fade. At this point in their grief journey, many people enlarge photos of the deceased and frame them. I haven’t done this. When I want to see pictures of my daughter I look at photo albums and electronic photos.
M. Katherine Shear, Professor of Psychiatry at Columbia University School of Social Work, discussed attachment figures in a University of Pittsburgh speech. According to Shear, attachment figures are people we want to be close to, people who offer support and confidence. “A death of any attachment figure changes your life,” she said. “The result of bereavement is intense yearning and longing, preoccupation with thoughts and memories . . .”
Can you do anything positive with the mental images of deceased loved ones? That is the question I asked. A visual person and word person, I decided to describe my daughter’s image in words. The first word is happy and this comforts me. The second word is family and this comforts me, too.
Every day, I see my daughter’s face in her children, the 17 ½-year-old twins my husband and I are raising.
Fading images of a loved one can be worrisome, but they show you are moving forward with life. You are thinking more about the present than the past. Though some images fade, you will always have memories of your loved one and the happy memories and values you shared. These are the building blocks of your future.