After a Sibling Loss: Signs Not to be Ignored

    After a sibling loss, it's natural for a child of any age to experience grief in some form. So what should parents consider a sign of trouble for the child after the sibling's death? What could be seen as symptoms of mental illness? Below is not an exhaustive list, but it suggests common clues often seen in a child who is suffering emotionally, socially, and psychologically.  Signs Not To Be Ignored Expressing statements or presenting behaviors that imply threats to…

    Common Reactions to Sibling Loss

    Common Reactions to Sibling Loss What are the most common reactions to sibling loss? How do siblings react at different stages of childhood? Here are some generalities: Reactions Among Infants These children may be too young to know the specifics of the tragedy, but they can pick up cues from people around them. Babies can sense that something is different in their environment.  Parents who care for them appear distant and upset.  Adults may stop interacting with them. The baby…

    Fear After Sibling Loss

    Fear After Sibling Loss Fear is commonplace in children after a sibling’s death.  Many times, the surviving child may not state their fear directly, but an astute parent can detect this emotion in statements such as these: I don’t want to go to school. Please keep the light on for me at night. Can I sleep in your room/bed? Turn off the TV; I don’t want to watch that show. Is Daddy going to be OK on his trip? Don’t…

    Gratitude While Grieving

    Gratitude While Grieving I do not believe in making New Year's resolutions, but believe in stating what I am grateful for. After all that we have lost, how are we different today than a year ago? How has our perspective on things changed? And what are we grateful for? In December, we welcomed grandson number two who arrived five weeks early. So grateful he is in good health, home, thriving and has the love of family around him. I recall…

    Anger after a Sibling Loss

    Anger after a Sibling Loss When a child loses a  sibling, the surviving child may be overwhelmed by anger. As with guilt, anger can be conscious or unconscious and is evident in thoughts like the following: I am mad at my sibling for messing up my life. My parents should have protected my brother. My mom and dad should  be there for me. God shouldn’t have let this happen to my family. The doctors and nurses weren’t good enough to…

    Role of Guilt in Sibling Loss

    How Guilt Shows Itself More than any other emotion, guilt arguably dominates the mental life of a sibling who losing a sibling.  This guilt can take many forms, depending on the relationship between the siblings and the manner of death. Siblings can feel responsible and place blame on themselves, sometimes irrationally. Common thoughts reflecting this self-blame include: I am older, so I should have been the protector. Why didn’t I go first? I was sick, too, so why didn’t I…

    Sibling Loss in Childhood is Trauma

    Is Sibling Loss a Trauma? One phenomenon inherent in the popularizing of psychology over the last few decades has been the incorporation of “buzzwords” into our lexicon. An example is the use of the term “trauma.” This term is used frequently by both the media and lay people in everyday conversation to describe a variety of experiences. We state that someone has been “traumatized” by various situations. But what specifically does that mean? What differentiates a truly traumatizing experience from…

    When Siblings Die Young

    When Siblings Die Young Many decades ago, there was a little girl who had a wonderful life. She lived comfortably, with two parents who adored her, a younger brother she could boss around, two equally doting sets of grandparents, a great-grandmother who thought she could do no wrong, and a great aunt who was captivated by her. Too young to realize her family was not rich, she lived in a cozy house with her own room. The girl loved animals…

    What We Say to The Dying

    “I thought: maybe death isn’t darkness, after all, but so much light wrapping itself around us— as soft as feathers— that we are instantly weary of looking, and looking, and shut our eyes, not without amazement, and let ourselves be carried, as through the translucence of mica, to the river that is without the least dapple or shadow— that is nothing but light—scalding, aortal light— in which we are washed and washed out of our bones. -- from "White Owl…

    Grief Loves Company: After a Sibling-Loss

    Losing a Sibling is Unique Losing a sibling is different from other losses. At times I find myself becoming extremely nostalgic, and it is difficult not having a cohort with whom to share childhood memories. On some level, we know and expect that our older relatives will leave us eventually. However, our brothers and sisters are the connection between the child we were and the adult we become. They know the good and the not-so-good details about us, and if…