Surviving siblings are sometimes called the forgotten grievers. Brothers and sisters lose their oldest witness, their playmate, the keeper of their childhood — and the world too often expects them to be the strong one. Here’s why sibling loss is uniquely complicated, and 7 ways to honor your grief.
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Mother’s Day after loss can feel like an emotional minefield. Whether you’re grieving your mother, a child, a sibling, or anyone you love, here are 9 compassionate, therapist-tested ways to cope with grief on Mother’s Day, honor your person, and find a quiet thread of hope on a tender holiday.
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Mother’s Day usually stirs up memories of celebrating my Mom with my brothers and sisters when we were kids- showering her with all the snuggles, handmade cards and French toast from the Betty Crocker Boys and Girls Cookbook. Nothing said I Love You like delivering fresh flowers to her (right out of her garden).🌷 This year, though, I’ve been thinking a lot about my dear new friend, Marlene, who will be navigating her first Mother’s Day since the shocking death of her beloved son, BJ. Marlene shared the heart shattering news on social media last year, “No words […]
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Grief seldom moves in straight lines. Rather, grief can be more like the ever-changing weather over the ocean or like the relentless tides against a rocky coast. Some days it is mist. Some days it is stormy. And sometimes, it becomes stone. I meet people years after a loss who share, “I know it has been a long time, but it still feels like yesterday.” Their lives have continued. They work. They parent. They show up. Yet their bodies remain braced, as if the moment of loss is still unfolding. This is where the conversation about psychedelic-assisted grief therapy begins. […]
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When someone you love is grieving, the fear of saying the wrong thing can keep you frozen on the doorstep. Here are 12 things to say to a grieving friend, 5 things to never say, and the simplest, most powerful gift you can offer when words run out.
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I’ve come to believe that some souls simply aren’t meant to stay here long. And I don’t say that lightly. It’s not something I understand in any earthly way, because truthfully, I don’t. There’s no logic that can explain why someone we love so deeply could be here one day and gone the next. If there’s a reason, I wish I knew it. But I don’t. What I do believe is that we’re each sent here to touch certain lives. To love certain people. To leave imprints that carry on long after we’re gone. Maybe our time, no matter how […]
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I’ve never loved anyone the way I loved Rob. Six years ago, I joined the world’s worst club when my older son shot and killed himself. He was 28. Rob suffered from depression, bipolar disorder, and alcoholism. After he died, it was my turn to find out what suffering really means. After he died, it was my turn to find out what suffering really means. In the first few weeks and months, I was gutted and in shock. So were my ex-wife, Caryn and my younger son, Zach. Our family had been destroyed. The whole thing seemed surreal—time was out […]
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In our culture, grief is often something we are expected to move through quietly and efficiently. After the funeral, after the condolences fade, families are handed the ashes of someone they love and then left largely on their own to figure out what healing looks like. There is an unspoken expectation of “closure,” as if love ends where a life does. But what if grief is not something to close, but something to continue? I came to this question through two worlds that have shaped my life – hospice nursing and the arts. As a hospice nurse, I have sat […]
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Trying to make sense of suicide is a fool’s errand, and I’ve been that fool ever since my son Rob died. Losing any relative to suicide is traumatic, but it’s particularly devastating for parents, who feel like a failure in the most important job of their lives. I tortured myself for the better part of two years, asking the same questions over and over again—is there anything we could’ve done to prevent Rob from doing what he did? In the days and weeks after his death, the answer seemed obvious: yes! For God’s sake, I was with him […]
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Some things in life just go together like the dropped ice cream on the ground and a toddler’s cry or a young son’s first goodbye and a mother’s tears. When the first one occurs, it is followed by the second. It is more than an expectation, more than most of the time. It actually “comes with the territory” of dropped ice cream or a son’s good-bye. In a similar fashion, tasks of life are things that are more than expectations. They are things that “come with the territory”: autumn will come each year and leaves will be raked, the dryer […]
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When we think of grief, most of us picture the loss of someone we love. Yet there is another kind of grief, quieter and often unnamed: the grief of losing touch with parts of ourselves. For some, early trauma or difficult experiences meant silencing our voice, hiding our needs, or abandoning joy in order to stay safe. These strategies helped us survive. But later in life, we may realize how much of ourselves has been left behind. That realization can feel like grief — because it is. This form of grief doesn’t come with rituals or sympathy cards. It doesn’t […]
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In a New Yorker article, Tad Friend quoted a psychiatrist who had ample experience with those who vaulted to their deaths from the Golden Gate bridge. The doctor singled out a case that especially moved him: “The guy was in his thirties, lived alone, pretty bare apartment. He’d written a note and left it on his bureau. It said, ‘I am going to walk to the bridge. If one person smiles at me on the way, I will not jump’” (Tad Friend, “Jumpers,” The New Yorker, October 5, 2003, www.newyorker.com/magazine/2003/10/13/jumpers). Sadly, he jumped, which must mean nobody smiled at […]
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Andrea, I was hoping you could lend me one of your big purses. I opened the closet where they are stored. To my disappointment, the big ones I remember were not there. I’m not sure, perhaps I lent them on your behalf, and my grief brain doesn’t remember. At first, I was disappointed and sad, a minor frustration compared to the grief I carry daily, but it caused me to pause. I know you understand. I started to look in the closet quietly, and my eyes focused on the purse you had that day—the beautiful lilac-colored one with darker purple […]
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One reason grief is undesirable is the overwhelming soup of feelings it stirs up. Dr. Kenneth Doka, a prolific author and speaker on the subject of grief, explains it this way: “We rarely experience one dominant emotion at a time. We can feel depression, anger, disbelief all at once. We are a hive of emotions” (Kenneth J. Doka, Grief Is a Journey: Finding Your Path Through Loss). If his assessment feels intimidating, take a deep breath. Internal Family Systems (IFS) can help you tease apart one emotion from the next. How? We can identify parts of our soul based […]
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Message to Deceased Son My son, Michael, was born 30 years ago today. It would have been amazing to see what he would have looked like. I often dream about what he would be doing with his life. Married? Kids? Or… still living at home?!? Well, he is still at home. His stocking is on my fireplace at Christmas. His picture is on the mantle and in my home office. Michael is also at work, in my wallet, and on the internet. His rap CD, just recently created from old cassette tapes, is being heard by others for the first […]
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Question on Feeling Little Support for Mother-Loss Question: I tearfully happened upon your website by chance this morning. My dearest friend, my mom, died in my arms this past month. I had brought her here to live with me after her colon cancer returned. From the moment of diagnosis, I watched her hurt and endure so much treatment, never giving up, always smiling, always gentle, humble. Since she died, I’ve received very little support from my husband or anyone else. I joined an online grief group, but I do not feel as if I belong there. My friends have faded […]
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To Lose a Twin I was taken captive by life and death at the age of twenty-one. My identical twin sister Paula and I faced life together for twenty-one years. We never imagined life without the other. As twins, we had an unspoken pact to care for one another. When she died suddenly in a small plane crash, I questioned who I was in the world without her. Could I even function in life without my twin? Our losses are as unique and personal as our love. All bereavement experiences are different. For me, grieving for my sister came many […]
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Is My New Partner Stuck in Grief? Question from reader: I am currently dating a widower who feels the need to publish a picture of his ex-wife in the local newspaper twice a year, on her birthday and date of death. He has been doing this for five years. We have been dating for four-and-a half-years. My husband died suddenly of a heart attack just a month after my companion’s wife died following a two-year battle with colon cancer. At this point, I’m not sure how I am tolerating these very public displays of grief. Would you be willing to […]
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The long winter months can be especially confining, isolating and challenging when grieving a loss. But you can also engage in unique ways that will help you bear your loss. Here are some winter grief activities and projects (or for any time of year): start an indoor gardens/terrariums/terrarium memorial garden take up a new hobby/craft, learn new skills/enhance existing ones enroll in an online class (many are self-paced) write your autobiography or a biography about your loved one start a Blog (many free options with public/private settings) volunteer at church, care-facilities and non-profits plan and gather materials for spring projects give […]
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Ten New Year’s Eves December 31st has come and gone ten times since my husband Bob was murdered. While ringing in the New Year with friends, Bob left our dinner table to check on the home of a vacationing neighbor. It had become apparent no responsible adult was overseeing a party the neighbor’s teenaged son was throwing. Bob walked in on two hundred drunk and out of control youth. Within minutes he was dead, beaten to death by two young men angered by his efforts to shut things down. I was left a widow with four-year-old twins. The first year […]
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Yes, I’m Still Grieving If you or someone you care about has ever suffered a painful loss, you’ve likely heard, communicated, or thought something like the following: That earnest wish that a person could “move on” or “get over” the intensity of grief. The well-meaning concern that someone is “dwelling on,” “wallowing in,” or “stuck in” grief. That kind directive to “focus on the positive” or work to get one’s “life back.” We often feel it, deeply, when friends or family members are grieving. Perhaps we experience their hurt empathically, or maybe we sense its weight because we wish for […]
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Surviving the Holidays After the Death of a Child That holiday-pang hit my stomach the first October after Daniel died. Greeting me at an arts and craft shop were gold and silver stockings, a Christmas tree draped with turquoise balls and a wreath of pinecones and red berries. What was this? And was “Santa Claus Is Coming To Town” playing as well? It was only October. I had anticipated that Christmas and the holidays would be tough. In fact, I’d wake on those cold mornings after Daniel died in February and be grateful that it was still months until his […]
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Getting Through Halloween after Child’s Death On the evening I type this, the nip in the October air is a reminder that the major holidays are just around the corner. Halloween decorations have been in the stores since July and Christmas décor even as early as August. For those of us who are bereaved parents, siblings and/or grandparents this means the sooner they are “in our face” the longer we have the constant reminders that we will be facing the holidays without our child. Whether it is your first Halloween following your child’s death or years down the road, such […]
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Grieving Through the Holidays I know I’m not the only one who is feeling the effects of the season. Grieving during “normal” times is a full-time job. Throw in 2 or 3 holidays back-to-back and whatever milestones we might have in the middle…well…we’re all working on nervous breakdowns of epic proportions. I think one of the cruelest things about the holidays (and this may just be me) is that we’re dealing with something we used to look forward to so much. And it’s turned into something we can barely get through. My first Christmas without my husband was definitely the hardest. […]
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Young People Grieving Over Multiple Losses A “new normal” has invaded old paradigms and left kids missing a past world, uncertain of the present, and anxious of what tomorrow will bring. More than ever, adults must become role models, listen to their children’s pleas, understand the forces behind their behaviors, and care for their tender hearts yearning to be heard and respected. Perhaps the new normal is just an open door into the transformation of antiquated ways of being that have outgrown themselves The issues and grief techniques found in the previous edition of my book, Life and Loss, are […]
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Young People Grieve Through Creativity During the pandemic, the resilience of many girls and boys soared to new levels as they courageously rose to the occasion. The following are two examples of pioneering teens, Madeleine and Lulu. Through using their attributes of perseverance and connectivity, they were both able to transform despair into activism. Thirteen-year-old Madeleine converted an eighth-grade project into a healing experience for peers experiencing a death during the pandemic. Madeleine created the COVID Memorial Quilt. She encourages others her age to join by adding a piece of the quilt in memory of a loved one. Madeleine’s Mom […]
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Young People’s Grief during the Pandemic The pandemic has produced a myriad of loss issues impossible to have imagined just a few years ago. Young people cannot go to school, eat lunch in the cafeteria, play with friends, see their teachers in-person, enjoy recess, learn in a classroom, or partake in the holidays with their entire family. College students who come home for family holidays are continuously anxious about getting the virus or giving it to their parents. Sara, a college freshman explained, “I’ve had seven COVID19 tests and am doing one more before Thanksgiving. It is so stressful. I […]
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Telling Young Children of a Suicide Parents are often understandably concerned about how the harsh fact of a suicide in the family, particularly of a parent, will affect their children. They may wonder whether telling their children–particularly young children–the truth about the death will cause more harm than good. And if they do decide to tell their children the truth, they struggle to find the words to explain what they find very hard to understand themselves – “Why did this person take their life?” It is important to know something about the developmental processes that children experience as they grow […]
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Loss of a Twin has Huge Impact The unthinkable can happen. One of your twins or triplets could vanish from your life. During a period of deep grief, how would you console each other and provide support for your surviving twin or triplet? By addressing this uncomfortable subject, a dual purpose will be served. There is a remarkable connection between twins and other multiples. The link that binds twins together from before birth is crucial to understanding what happens when the bond is broken. It sheds light on what constitutes a twinship. Mourning the loss of one’s twin can threaten […]
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How Does Twin Honor the Sister Who Died? Gladys writes in: I just lost my twin sister three months ago to something we now know as Long QT syndrome. She was perfectly healthy and woke to check on her crying baby one morning and fell unconscious and never gained consciousness again. Our 30th birthday is this Sunday and I am wanting to do something special. Honestly, I wish that I could skip this birthday altogether. Do you have any ideas of how to honor her memory? Linda Pountney, vice president of Twinless Twins Support Group International, responds: Dear Gladys: Please […]
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My Year of ‘Solitary Firsts’ As I write this article, 2-1/2 years after my husband Marty’s death, I am overwhelmed with surprise that so much time has passed. Memories of that first year are wrapped in a surreal haze and when vivid images do surface, the fog lifts and reveals my year of solitary firsts. February 11, 2009, marked the death of my husband, my mate of 42 years. A quote on the back of the Joyce Carol Oates book, A Widow’s Story, says “of the widow’s countless death-duties there is really just one that matters: on the first anniversary […]
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The First Anniversary after a Husband Dies Just like nothing prepares you for the death of a loved one, there is no preparation for the first anniversary of a death. The anticipation of the date can make you just as emotional as the death itself. For all the positive steps forward you have taken over the year, the anniversary can set you back again. Just know that it is a temporary setback, and the strength you have gained over the year will hold you together. Around the anniversary, the workplace can either be a blessing or a curse. It will […]
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I’m 12 years old and our family is living in a 3rd floor apartment. The phone rings on this summer day. Mom answers. I watch the color leave her face. I hear sentence fragments. “A lone driver…he didn’t see her…the truck was backing up……a closed casket.” Hanging up the phone, Mom tells all of us to come and sit down. She said that Julie, our six-year-old cousin, had won a bicycle and she ran outside to ride it. Julie hoped everyone would see her, but the garbage man didn’t. Julie died. It was hard to see my mom cry. It […]
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Grief support and mental health are deeply interconnected aspects of wellbeing. Grief is a natural response to loss, whether it’s the death of losing someone close, the end of a relationship, or any significant change or loss in one’s life. It is essential to recognise that there is no right or wrong to grieve and that grieving is a highly individual process. It is different for each of us. Prolonged or Intense Grief Prolonged or intense grief can impact mental health significantly. It can also lead to symptoms of depression, anxiety, or post-traumatic stress disorder (“PTSD”) in some cases. Seeking […]
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Dear Suicide Survivors: You are not alone. I know it feels that way, but I can assure you that there is help. I know you feel that no one can relate to what you’re going through, that your world is hopeless, and that your life will never be worth living. Sadly, I felt the exact same way. I’m not going to tell you that things will be okay. I’m not going to pretend what happened didn’t. And I’m not going to let you feel shame over this circumstance. But I am going to help you find hope in the midst […]
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Mother Loses Son to Addiction To all of my fellow parents of deceased children — mothers and fathers — I offer greetings. I too have suffered this unthinkable loss and know the grief that accompanies it. My son, Danny, died on July 1, 2008, from an overdose of alcohol and prescription drugs, a death all too common in this day and age. Shortly after he passed, I read that the incidence of deaths due to overdose has quadrupled in young people between the ages of 18 and 23. Dan was right in there at 22. Needless to say, this has […]
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I write about grief to help me through the ‘grieving process’ after the loss of my twin. I hope it helps you too. Grief is complex; it’s based around individual experiences that people go through in response to loss. WRITING HELPS ME Writing helps me through the grieving process after the loss of my twin. It allows me to express how I feel, myself. The act of putting thoughts into words, I find is cathartic and healing. GRIEF IS NOT LINEAR It is important to be aware that grief is not a linear process. It does not have a defined […]
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The Grief of Losing My Husband On February 4, 2009, I woke up to find that my husband had died in his sleep from an undetected heart condition. He was forty-nine years old. I was thirty-nine. It was the biggest shock of my life. The first two hours were a blur of emotion, pain, fear, shock, and denial. The next two and a half years have been a lesson in living life much more openly, deeply, and presently. In the immediate aftermath of his death, I discovered I had two choices. I could either surrender to what had happened, or […]
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Grief can throw a spanner in the works, but it can also bring acceptance and closure positively, so long as we’re honest with ourselves. Our experiences can distort our perception of the past. It can feel like our memories are no longer reliable, as grief colours everything with its darkness. A SPANNER IN THE WORKS A spanner may throw our past into the works because the past isn’t always kind, so we alter how we perceive it. Loss can stop us in our tracks, and it can make us question the value and meaning of our experiences. Grief can make […]
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Merry Go Round My mom made it a priority to take me and my siblings to the Smithsonian to visit the touring exhibits that came through the D.C. museums. I am the eldest of four, and amidst our collective moans and groans over another trek downtown from the suburbs in her diesel station wagon, my mom promised a ride or two on the lone carousel on the National Mall as a treat. I loved the carousel; I remember when it was installed in 1981. We were delighted by what seemed a whimsical addition to the stately mall. A blue and […]
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The Roar of Silence is a poetry collection written in the aftermath of profound loss, when language breaks down and silence becomes the only honest response. After the death of his son, a father searches for meaning in the quiet that follows devastation. These poems do not attempt to resolve grief or offer consolation. Instead, they listen—to absence, to memory, and to the altered gravity of living on. Silence appears here as wound and teacher, as accusation and refuge, as the space where truth waits without explanation. Moving through themes of fatherhood, masculinity, inheritance, endurance, and love passed forward, The Roar of […]
A self-help book that guides readers through the grieving process after losing a loved one, offering practical tools and encouragement to find hope and joy again. Written by an author who experienced significant loss, the book helps readers understand their feelings, provides steps for healing, and encourages journaling to honor the memory of the deceased. It’s designed to be a supportive resource for navigating the overwhelming emotions of grief, including holidays and special days, and recognizing when to seek professional help. Key aspects of the book: Author’s experience: Marshall wrote the book after losing close family members, using her own journey […]
The impact of a death on a newborn’s world is a minimized and unacknowledged loss. Join host Dr. Gloria Horsley, and her daughter and co-host, Dr. Heidi Horsley and their guest Dr. Sarah Vollmann, whose sister died before she was born in a drowning accident. Sarah is a registered board-certified art therapist, licensed clinical social worker, and faculty member of The Portland Institute. She is the Associate Director of The Young Widowhood Project, and the Author of: Born Into Loss: Shadows of a Deceased Sibling.
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How do we take care of ourselves when we are so busy taking care of others after a loss? Join Host Dr. Heidi Horsley and her guests Tysha Scott and Anne Smith as they discuss the importance of the preservation of self. Tysha Scott is the owner and management consultant of TS Management Consulting and is the Executive Board Member of Classic Stage Company. Tysha has been a theater teacher for middle school, high school, and college. She was married to Phillip Randall Scott for 30 yrs. until his untimely death. Anne Smith is one of nine children, and her […]
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Are you wondering how to connect with grieving children and help them navigate their grief? Join host Dr. Heidi Horsley and her co-host Doneley Meris, along with guests Lindsey Whissel Fenton and Greg Adams, as they discuss tips and tools to support grieving children. Doneley Meris is the Founder and Director of the HIV Arts Network and an adjunct faculty member at NYU and Hunter College. Lindsey Whissel Fenton is the creator of Speaking Grief and Learning Grief, and host of The Apologies Podcast. She also serves on the Board of Directors for the National Alliance for Childrens’ Grief. Greg […]
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How does one deal with murder and parent loss? Join Dr’s Gloria and Heidi Horsley and their guest Reginald L. Reed Jr. as he recalls the events surrounding the unsolved murder of his 26-year-old mother and the indictment and trial of his father 32 years later. Learn how he has coped and thrived in spite of childhood trauma. He is the author of The Day My Mother Never Came Home. https://media.blubrry.com/open_to_hope_1/content.blubrry.com/open_to_hope_1/Reginald-L-Reed-Jr-Losing-a-Parent-and-Childhood-Trauma.mp3Podcast: Play in new window | Download
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Wondering how to help a grieving family? Join Dr’s Gloria and Heidi Horsley and their guest Anne-Marie Conlan LMHC Program Director of the Bereavement Center of Westchester and overseer of the Tree House program providing comfort and healing specifically for families with children that have experienced the death of a parent or sibling. https://media.blubrry.com/open_to_hope_1/content.blubrry.com/open_to_hope_1/Anne-Marie-Conlan-LMHC-Supporting-Families-in-Grief.mp3Podcast: Play in new window | Download
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Wondering how families can cope with suicide? Join Dr’s Heidi and Gloria Horsley and their guest Attorney and bereaved spouse Abby Dart for candid discussion of the loss to Abby’s husband, Steve to suicide and the challenges of raising 5 children. Abby is an advocate for mental health and removing the stigma related to treatment. https://media.blubrry.com/open_to_hope_1/content.blubrry.com/open_to_hope_1/ABBY-DART-Coping-With-The-Loss-of-a-Spouse-to-Suicide.mp3Podcast: Play in new window | Download
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A Conversation with Jenny Lisk Experiencing isolation in your grief journey? Join Drs. Gloria and Heidi Horsley, along with guest Jenny Lisk, a bereaved mom, podcaster, and founder of the Widowed Parents Institute. Gain insights and practical tools for supporting children after the death of a parent. Jenny, an Open to Hope writer and the author of “Widowed Parents Unite,” shares valuable tips on navigating this challenging aspect of loss. After the loss of Dr. Gloria Horsley’s husband, getting back in the game was hard, but she realized finding love in your golden years doesn’t have to be complicated. In […]
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Concerned about a bereaved child? Dr. Gloria Horsley and Dr. Frank Powers are joined by their guest Andy McNiel, a child bereavement expert. Gain valuable tips and tools on effectively helping bereaved kids. Andy, the Executive Director of the Satori Group, brings expertise in child advocacy and is the co-author of “Understanding and Supporting Bereaved Children.” https://media.blubrry.com/open_to_hope_1/content.blubrry.com/open_to_hope_1/Andy-McNiel-Navigating-Support-for-Bereaved-Children.mp3Podcast: Play in new window | Download
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Open to Hope is an online community offering inspirational stories of loss, hope and recovery. We believe hope is the bridge between loss and recovery.
